children

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My dad used to like to pretend bad things just didn’t happen. When asked about family feuds or crises d’jour he’d switch topics, ignore the issue, tell me to pray for him, or make up an innocuous answer. On the other ...
In Between All The Pokemon Go

How We Talk To Our Kids

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My dad used to like to pretend bad things just didn’t happen. When asked about family feuds or crises d’jour he’d switch topics, ignore the issue, tell me to pray for him, or make up an innocuous answer. On the other hand, my mom would give bizarre guidance when it wasn’t needed—like that using tampons [&hellip
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Read any news story or watch just 60 seconds of a Trump rally and it won’t take you long to realize that humans are just the worst. We are terrible. How are we in charge of all the other animals? We’re not the top of the ...
How Are We In Charge Of Anything More Serious Than Choosing Pizza Toppings?

Humans Are The Worst

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Read any news story or watch just 60 seconds of a Trump rally and it won’t take you long to realize that humans are just the worst. We are terrible. How are we in charge of all the other animals? We’re not the top of the food chain—we rank the same as anchovies and pigs—but [&hellip
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A few weeks ago, I tried to explain to people who opposed Hillary Clinton why I liked her. That fact, plus other posts I’ve written for The Snap Download, may have already clued you in to my feelings about Donald Trump but ...
Spoiler Alert! Metric Buttload of Reasons

Dear ‘Muricans: Why I Dislike The Donald

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A few weeks ago, I tried to explain to people who opposed Hillary Clinton why I liked her. That fact, plus other posts I’ve written for The Snap Download, may have already clued you in to my feelings about Donald Trump but just to lay it all out, nice and clear, here is why: Dear [&hellip
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This is typically the time of year when my depression and anxiety mix with a masochistic tendency toward over-commitment, an appreciation of fine liquor and unreasonable expectations of yuletide bliss prompted by excessive ...
True Colors

The Queen of Everything and A Search for Perspective

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This is typically the time of year when my depression and anxiety mix with a masochistic tendency toward over-commitment, an appreciation of fine liquor and unreasonable expectations of yuletide bliss prompted by excessive viewing of Hallmark and Lifetime holiday movies. In short, I become a jingle jangle mess and spend way too much time
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A mysterious malady has overtaken former Target shoppers. After going into stores and seeing the signs designating “boys” and “girls” had been removed from the toy and bedding departments, these shoppers have ...
Or Seriously Evil, Or Something

Target Is The Devil

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A mysterious malady has overtaken former Target shoppers. After going into stores and seeing the signs designating “boys” and “girls” had been removed from the toy and bedding departments, these shoppers have experienced shortness of breath, chest pains, uncontrollable bursts of anger and of course, anal leakage. The conditions ty
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Here at The Snap Download we want to make sure our readers are aware of the most threatening thing to face children ever: free-range parenting. These parents won’t rest until your children are roaming the streets ...
Are You A Free-Range or Helicopter Parent?

Why Did The Kid Cross The Road?

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Here at The Snap Download we want to make sure our readers are aware of the most threatening thing to face children ever: free-range parenting. These parents won’t rest until your children are roaming the streets unsupervised, taking candy from strangers and going to life-endangering hellscapes (known by their street names as “parks
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I started babysitting when I was 12 years old. This was before the age of the Internet, when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, so parents that hired me had only my word that I wouldn’t give their kids bowls of sugar to ...
Nobody Leaves This Place Without Singing The Blues

Missed Adventures in Babysitting

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I started babysitting when I was 12 years old. This was before the age of the Internet, when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, so parents that hired me had only my word that I wouldn’t give their kids bowls of sugar to keep them occupied while I shot heroin into my eyeballs and had oodles [&hellip
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The Snap: Imagine you get a call one day from your daughter’s school informing you that your daughter was among the 200 girls kidnapped from school. Anger, fear, anxiety, desperation; you feel like you’re careening ...
What Do We Stand For?

Not Our Girls

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The Snap: Imagine you get a call one day from your daughter’s school informing you that your daughter was among the 200 girls kidnapped from school. Anger, fear, anxiety, desperation; you feel like you’re careening through all these emotions at the same time. The government says they’ve found all the girls but then it turns [&hellip
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The Snap: There was a kid in grade school named Sarah something. She was allergic to everything, like to the point where she could only eat rice cakes and go outside in a bubble. Other than her, the class was pretty much ...
I'm Pretty Sure I'm Allergic To Work

If You Love Your Child, Be Amish

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The Snap: There was a kid in grade school named Sarah something. She was allergic to everything, like to the point where she could only eat rice cakes and go outside in a bubble. Other than her, the class was pretty much allergy-free. But that’s because I’m ancient and grew up in the 1980s when [&hellip

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