When I Am Queen of Everything: We Need More Whimsy, Dammit!

When I Am Queen of Everything: We Need More Whimsy, Dammit!

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,6 September 2016

Upon hearing that Brock Turner—a brutal rapist who was only sentenced to six months because a judge worried it would hurt the poor boy’s future—will be released early from prison because of good behavior, I became so enraged I wanted to rip off my own arm so I could have something with which to better bludgeon asshats. After I did some deep breathing and cleansing screams I thought of all that is craptastic around us and what could possibly make it better. No, not Giant Meteor 2016. What I think would help would be if there was some way to make all the terribleness at least vaguely amusing.

Stay with me now because I know you’re thinking the best option would be to make terrible things stop being terrible. You’re right but sadly I have not been granted all-encompassing power (yet) and even if I were, there’d still be forces of evil that would keep everything from being bubble baths, puppy parties, and all-you-can-drink brunch awesomeness.

So when I am Queen of Everything, I am going to bring just a little bit of whimsy into everyone’s lives. Here are some examples:

1. Donald Trump can talk about his dumbass wall all he wants but whenever he does, he has to sing at least 69 verses of “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”.

2. CNN can egregiously use “Breaking News” on anything its little heart desires (like “Breaking News! Titanic Sunk 102 Years Ago Tonight!”) but whenever it does it has to give equal time to a heartwarming story about kindergarteners or rescued pets.

3. For every bigoted, easily disprovable conspiracy theory that idiots post on social media or forward to their unsuspecting friends and relatives, those same idiots must read an entire volume of an old Encyclopedia Britannia.

4. Each time a Senator or Congressperson bitches and moans about the other party without having actually talked with that other party in an attempt to govern, that politician must sanitize the ball pit at a children’s play area.

5. Whenever Donald Trump does one of those gutless, slander-y moves where he says something like “I never said I saw thousands of Muslims celebrating on 9/11 I’m just saying other people said they saw it,” he has to put on a chicken costume and entertain passersby on the street.

6. If the media excuses despicable behavior by a ‘celebrity’ with a ‘boys will be boys’ excuse or because of anything that resembles white privilege, both the excusers and the excused will have to perform “I’m a Little Teapot” 10 times in a row.

7. Public victim blaming will result in the blamers riding on a school bus filled with 13-year-old boys who have all just eaten a can of beans.

Although I know many of you long for the day when I become Queen of Everything, I fear the laws of nature and reality won’t let me turn all that sucks into piles of awesomesauce. But the very least I think we should be able to expect is a little bit of entertainment as we wail and gnash our teeth at the seemingly unending stream of things that make us want to drink and throw things in despair. I will do that for you, dear readers. I may even share my drink supply.



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Image Credit: Jason Train on Flickr

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