This Is When You Know You’re Old, Part Deux

This Is When You Know You’re Old, Part Deux

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,5 August 2016

Did you know Brenda Walsh has breast cancer? Do you even know who Brenda Walsh is? If your answer to the former is shock and dismay, or mournfully tsk-tsking the cruel passage of time, then you are “of a certain age.” If you don’t know who she is, please quickly walk away from me and learn something about culture.

If you’re “of a certain age” you know Brenda Walsh was one-time girlfriend of Dylan and twin sister of Brandon before Beverly Hills 90210 came back all glamorous and terrible. When 90210 was young there were people wearing tapestry vests and all was right in the world. Nowadays, I just don’t know anymore. Plus, when did I start using the word “nowadays”? Just thinking it probably added prune juice to my checkout cart on Amazon and makes me want to lie down in a darkened room with a cool cloth over my eyes.

Here are some other signs we’ve gotten older:

1. Having to google the phrase “wokest bae” and when you see it means hot guy you’re so disgusted you have to hold your head in your hands, muttering angrily about “kids these days.”

2. MTV is creating a nostalgic channel featuring “classics” from the 90s and 00s. The spot once held by Nick-at-Nite when you could watch old reruns of The Monkees or Good Times will now feature Beavis & Butt-head and Daria. Pretty soon we’ll learn the first cast of The Real World all have grandchildren and The State will be considered an oldie but a goodie (hell, if it means I can watch reruns of The State I will gladly start hitting up early bird dinners and muttering about “darn kids needing to get off my lawn”).

3. Movies happened way longer ago than you thought. Ferris Bueller? Just turned 30. Top Gun? Same. First time we saw then wokest bae (ugh, just vomited in my own mouth trying to use that phrase) Brad Pitt shirtless? 25 years ago in Thelma & Louise. Toy Story? 20 years old. It was also 20 years ago that we were doing the Macarena and Renee Zellweger was completing Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire. Renee was first charming us as Bridget Jones 15 years ago and now she’s back, perennially unwed and what my OB/GYN would call “of advanced maternal age.”

4. Have you recently looked at a picture of President Obama from when he first took office? As previous residents of the Oval Office found, time is definitely cruel to a president’s aging process though continuing to have to deal with Congress probably doesn’t help.

5. The thought of going out on Friday night is so exhausting you have to take a nap on Wednesday just thinking about it.

6. Young people tell you how young you look for someone your age but then inflate your actual age by several years.

7. You see a picture of your ex and think that he or she looks like a leather handbag.

8. Before you agree to go anywhere you calculate how long it will take you to drive there and back and how terrible parking will be. And you sigh heavily while you contemplate these things.

9. Phrases you use have already jumped the shark by years or even decades. And you know what jumped the shark refers to without googling it. Take heart, my friends, as that also means you are someone I would consider 2 Legit 2 Quit — hey, hey!

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Image Credit: Michael Kappel on Flickr

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