Everything You Wanted To Know about the RNC in Cleveland (But Couldn’t Bear to Watch)

Everything You Wanted To Know about the RNC in Cleveland (But Couldn’t Bear to Watch)

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,22 July 2016

We have to hand it to the Donald: The Republican National Convention was sure-as-shit entertaining to watch with him dry-humping the corpse of the party of Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt into the ground. Seriously, this was some good TV. It wasn’t so good if you thought in terms of “Oh, sweet baby Jesus this man could actually win and destroy America to make it more Murican again!” But if you thought of it like “Nothing else good is on” then it was almost enjoyable.

We say almost as there is still the part of the back of our mind where we realize that now THIS is how the rest of the world sees us. But once we take our anti-anxiety meds and prep for our lobotomies we can almost enjoy what Donald Trump has to offer.

In case you missed it here are the key takeaways:

1. The only thing the unified RNC can get behind is that they are not Hillary Clinton. They really hate her. When you try to find out why a bunch of people start yelling words at you like “Benghazi” and “pantsuit” and assure you that everything awful that’s happened in the past 24 years is because of her. We really have no idea what the party’s policies and ideas are from watching the convention (if you can slog through it, check out the GOP platform to see what they write about standing for. It includes words like “radical Islam” and “traditional marriage” and mentions abortion 35 times).

2. Make America Scared and Angry Again. A lot of the convention’s themes were supposed to be about the economy, security and unity but you’d never know from what most speakers said. Apparently Hillary Clinton killed a whole bunch of people and fired a bunch of others and then the gays ruined marriage and tried to pee in the same stall as your daughter.

3. Celebrity randos. Scott Baio turned out to be a total dickhead so if you want to retain feelings from your innocently youthful crush on “Charles in Charge” or Chachi, don’t watch. Then there was Antonio Sabato, Jr. who we can only guess the Trump campaign thought was Hispanic, and one of the Duck Dynasty people, but not the one who likes to talk about vaginas. Seriously, RNC you would’ve done better had you just stuck to non-celebrities.

4. Six Degrees of Satan. Remember sleepy-eyed Ben Carson from the primaries? Well he’s gotten over Donald Trump saying he was pathological while concurrently noting that child molesters are also pathological. Now he has linked Hillary Clinton to Satan in a way that makes us think we’re about to have an embolism.

5. Copy and Paste. In some seriously shoddy campaign work, the Trump campaign sent Melania onstage to plagiarize Michelle Obama (and Rick Astley!!) which is hilarious considering how Trump and company have zero respect for anything any Obama has to say and GOP supporters denigrate Mrs. Obama saying it will be so nice to have a First Lady who looks like a real First Lady again (i.e. one who is un-blackened).

6. Meet Mike Pence. That’s the name of Trump’s VP. For reals. After months of dangling poor Chris Christie along, Trump chose the governor of Indiana and aficionado of all things menstruation. Trump even let him speak at the convention all by himself so we could get to know the person who will be doing all the work while Trump paints the White House gold and loudmouths the U.S. out of every treaty we’ve ever been a party to.

7. The man, the myth, the legend. No one really wanted to talk about Trump except Trump himself and the insane Trumpeters who think he’s the best at Jesus and all things red, white and blue. The RNC got some heavy hitters in terms of Republican lawmakers with street cred and they seemed afraid to invoke the name of Trump because it would ruin some of the actual good points they made about real issues.

8. And then there was Ted Cruz. We’ve never liked him and have not been shy about that. But even we have to say it took some serious guts for Cruz to go onstage at a stadium and not endorse the Man of the Hour while people booed the crap out of him and threatened the safety of his wife, Heidi (who quite frankly has suffered enough). Trump may be the one the masses on the Convention floor are talking about (or at least the ones still remaining after the “Never Trump” campaign was laid to rest) but Cruz is the one who did the unexpected.

We expect the DNC in Philadelphia will be a snoozefest in comparison but we’ll be watching in the hopes that the Dems can say something other than “At least we didn’t pick Trump.” We’ll back at the end of next week to catch you up on all the happenings. Until then, stay classy, ‘Murica!

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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