Humans Are The Worst

Humans Are The Worst

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,31 May 2016

Read any news story or watch just 60 seconds of a Trump rally and it won’t take you long to realize that humans are just the worst. We are terrible. How are we in charge of all the other animals? We’re not the top of the food chain—we rank the same as anchovies and pigs—but it’s undeniable that compared to every other species we are the bossiest and most destructive toward our own and all the other species.

The latest example of human terribleness is the completely avoidable tragedy at the Cincinnati Zoo, where a 4-year-old boy decided to jump into a gorilla enclosure, no one managed to stop him, and then to save his life, zookeepers shot the gorilla to death. There is nothing good about this story. Dwellers of the Interwebz who are as addicted to passing judgment as Bernie Sanders is to talking about Wall Street have quickly tried and convicted the boy’s mother (but for some reason not the father) of total parental irresponsibility and found her guilty for the death of the gorilla.

Look, we’re not saying this woman should win Most Attentive Parent of the Year award but settle the hell down, all you Judgy McHypocrites. As anyone who has their own kids or has been responsible for watching a friend or family member’s kid can tell you, children are hell-bent on their own destruction from the moment they start to crawl. Kids like to test boundaries. Does this mean the mother from the zoo incident bears no responsibility? Of course not. But unless y’all can swear on a stack of bibles or PETA memberships that you have never ever taken your eyeballs off your kids, just shut up (and if you haven’t ever taken your eyeballs off your kids, god help your children as they attempt to grow up and navigate a world you can’t constantly protect them from).

But in general, yes, humans are awful. It is seriously a thing that NOAA and other authorities had to tell New England beachgoers not to take selfies with baby seals. You’d think that would be obvious as 1) mama seals might not return to the babies if you’ve picked them up and handled them and 2) seals have teeth which they will hopefully use to take a chunk out of your moronic asses. However, as we learned from the dead baby dolphin who was selfied to death by a pack of idiots in Argentina, there is no act so thoughtless, reckless, and dangerous to themselves and other animals that a person will not attempt.

In light of our own utter human stupidity here are some rules for not ruining our own or another species’ life:

1. Don’t take selfies with animals unless it is your dog and your dog has agreed to the selfie. In this instance consent is considered authorized by excessive tail-wagging and attempts to lick the phone. Your cat may appear to agree to selfie but let’s get real; she knows you’re an idiot and is actively plotting your demise.

2. When you’re at a park or other place with wildlife, follow the rules issued by the authorities. You may think the rules are for idiots and you are right. You are one of them. Accept it. You are so stupid we don’t even know how you’re able to put your own pants on or not fall off a cliff on a daily basis. Don’t put a baby bison in your car because you think it is cold or the park rangers who told you to leave the animals the F alone with have to euthanize the baby bison and you will never be able to go outside again without knowing you were responsible for ruining everything.

3. Teach your kids to follow the rules and laws. That means when a sign says “don’t climb the fence,” DON’T CLIMB THE FENCE. When the sign says, “stay out of the cage,” STAY OUT OF THE CAGE.

4. Actually follow the rules yourself so your kids won’t follow your own asshat behavior (see rule #3).

5. Remember that though we may drive cars and be able to do wonderful things like compose symphonies and invent cocktails, we are not the only species on the planet and we actually need the other ones to exist.

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Image Credit: Mark Dumont on Flickr

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