Everyone’s Family is Nuts
Everyone’s Family is Nuts
Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,24 May 2016
Gather round and I’ll tell you the best kept secret in the history of time: everyone’s family is stone cold nuts. You may think you know some people whose families are boringly normal but you won’t have to dig too deep to find out that is total crap. Seriously. Go talk to your friends and coworkers. Find the ones who don’t overtly wear the emotional scars developed over lifetimes of feuds and after just a few minutes of talking you’ll find out about their weird uncle who has a whole room in his house just for the wadded up sandwich wrappers he gets from Arby’s or the cousin who is trying to turn her hobby of making fancy outfits for squirrels into a profitable business.
I hail from a large and loud family and recent family gatherings have led me to marvel at how deep down in our heart of hearts, even with all our dysfunctionalities and disagreements, we would stand in front of oncoming traffic to protect our family members. Sure, sometimes we are the ones also thinking about pushing said family members into oncoming traffic, but if we saw anyone else trying to make trouble for our family, we would go after our family’s would-be attackers like goddam spider monkeys.
Still, it is comforting to know that there is always a weirder and more dysfunctional family out there. That your friend who seemed to have Rockwellian holidays and only kind words had a whole other part of her family that lived off the grid and talked to no one. Is it that misery loves company? Or do we simply seek out proof that while it is weird that your grandfather repeatedly had to turn the hose on your brothers before Thanksgiving dinner was even served, at least your sister-in-law didn’t cut everyone up and store them in Tupperware after they slighted her contribution to last year’s family reunion?
In the spirit of assuring you it could always be worse, here are some families and family traditions stranger than yours:
1. The family that sends pictures of poop to each other: This father-son combo sends each other pictures of their poop after they’ve eaten corn.
2. An Alabama mother who was arrested for beating her son after he got her the wrong burrito toppings at Taco Bell.
3. A family whose Christmas presents aren’t delivered by Santa but by historical figures like Martin Luther King, Jr., Jesus, and Adolf Hitler.
4. Parents who bake cakes for their sons when they grew their first pubic hairs.
5. A father who pays one of his daughters to “not be a bitch during the holidays”. Gotta love capitalism.
6. Woman who killed her husband and kept his body in the attic for 18 years; she allegedly confessed to many people but no one believed her.