Trumpocalypse: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Trumpocalypse: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,6 May 2016

For the longest time we complained about how far too few ‘Muricans bothered to vote and now here we are, staring into the abyss waiting for the sweet darkness to overtake us and wishing most of the people who schlepped their lardasses out of their recliners had just stayed home to watch reruns of The Apprentice. Because the thing every pundit and politician and mildly sentient being said could never happen has come to pass: Donald “J is for Jackass” Trump is the presumptive nominee of the party of Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. Shit, even Ronald Reagan would be appalled.

Then again, if more registered Republicans had actually hauled their cookies to their states’ primary elections, maybe we wouldn’t be in this position. Because though this primary election season has seen “record numbers” in terms of voter turnout, it’s still only been about 17% of Republican voters (and a measly 12% of Democratic voters). That’s like the same amount of dentists who don’t recommend Trident chewing gum and still less than the percentage of children who would have to get lead poisoning before Michigan Governor Rick Snyder would even look at a glass of water from Flint.

Regardless, this Trump thing is for realsies. For the first day or so we kept squinting really hard and blinking our eyes to see if we were trapped in a hellish nightmare. But nope. This is who the bulk of Republican voters have cast their ballots for. Don’t get us wrong – there was a brief period of time when it was fun to see how far this small-handed, lying, egomaniacal, autocratic, pandering, opportunistic, bigoted, misogynistic, racist pile of excrement could go. That lasted about as long as his escalator ride down into America’s campaign hell. Whenever we remember the countless things he has said and done that are anathemic to the principles this country was founded on, we’re less than amused.

Now we don’t know what to think or say. Nothing will sway his supporters. He could piss on the American flag while setting fire to the Bible and ardent Trumpsters would still have his back. Despite his general terribleness it’s easy to see why they like him. He knows what they want: someone to blame for their problems who has promises, even decidedly false ones, of an easy fix. Have you lost your job? Blame Mexico and build a wall. Can’t afford your mortgage? Outlaw Islam and threaten to cut off trade with China. Can’t get a woman to date you? Punish women who get abortions and stop the Affordable Care Act. He’s got a cure for all that ails you and if you believe one word of what he says, we’ve got some lovely property to sell you in the Everglades and a few hundred Nigerian princes who think you’re their rightful heirs.

We don’t blame people who want easy answers. It’s a perfectly normal desire. It’s also completely impossible. We are a diverse and complex nation living in complicated times. The very serious problems that we face didn’t develop overnight and no matter how hard we wish on a star or on an “oddly tinted compilation of psychiatric symptoms”, there won’t be simple fixes to our problems. We need to work together, put our trust in serious women and men, and invest in real and long-term solutions to our problems. Not elect the loudest numbnuts who tells us whatever he thinks we want to hear from one moment to the next.

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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