Trumpmerica: Like a Dystopian Hellscape But Without The Warmth

Trumpmerica: Like a Dystopian Hellscape But Without The Warmth

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,14 March 2016

Picture it: January 2018, Trumpmerica. A year has passed since Donald J. Trump, née Drumpf, was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of Great America. It only took reporters 30 days to be able to say “President Trump” without nervously giggling and less than that for RNC Chairman Reince Priebus to stop rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Clinton, Cruz, Romney, and Sanders disestablished their multi-partisan support group for Anti-Trumpsters before the Trump Presidential Inauguration’s 666-minute fireworks display even began. BTDubs, all those attended The Classiest Inauguration of All Time (sponsored by TRUMP – cologne for winners) seemed really moved when Ted Nugent performed “Proud to be an American” with a hologram of President Ronald Reagan; both were disturbingly life-like.

Those crazy Trump-fearing liberals, losers, and thugs were totally wrong. The victory of President Trump didn’t cause the earth to crash into the sun, the country didn’t dissolve into chaos, and babies weren’t born with cloven hooves and blondeish toupees. Critics of President Trump have been utterly silenced, er…silent. I’m sure the repeated threats of face-punching, law suits, being taken out on stretchers, or worse from the candidate and his henchmen were not the cause. There’s just nothing for them to complain about. America is great again! As promised!

The country got rid of all our loser ex-allies but Putin is solidly on board and Kim Jong Un really likes President Trump’s style so, see naysayers! Trump is going to make North Korea great again too! And do you really need anyone else when you have Pooty-Poot? I mean, it would be nice if anyone in Europe, the Middle East, or anywhere still took our phone calls but who needs them anyway! Besides the important thing is all the Muslims are out! Granted, some Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and others fled the country but they probably were probably losers anyway. And white men are emigrating to the country in droves so pretty soon the country will be even Greater than it was before. And all the white men coming from Western Europe are so polite, march in such neat formations, and have amazingly tidy haircuts.

And there are no more Mexican immigrants taking jobs from ‘Muricans anymore! At first it seemed like President Trump must have made good on his promise to deport millions of undocumented immigrants. But millions of legal immigrants and even natural born citizens got the heck out of dodge within Trump’s first 100 days so that made up for any undocumented immigrants that might not have been nabbed. And the wall is well on its way to being built! We’re pretty sure at least as we’ve seen lots of pictures and videos of hard-at-work ‘Muricans building what looks to be a damn fine wall. And we just heard the other day that the President totally got those Mexicans, even the ones who kept saying they weren’t really from Mexico, to pay for it. We tried to confirm that fact with people living near the wall or with Mexican journalists but President Trump says its better if we just watch some more QVC and eat some Trump steaks.

Well, it’s time for my meds and Trumpaversion therapy, so I better sign off. Thanks again, voters of ‘Murica, for showing the rest of the world how great we can be when we just turn our backs on everything America stands for, sell our souls to an unintelligible blowhard and bully, and give ourselves lobotomies — anesthetized only with the finest bottles of discontinued Trump Vodka.

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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