What in the Hell is a Caucus Anyway?

What in the Hell is a Caucus Anyway?

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,29 January 2016

It feels like we’ve been wrapped up in the 2016 U.S. Presidential campaign season for the bulk of our adult lives and yet much of how all this shit goes down is still a mystery. Like what the hell is a caucus? Why is Iowa so freaking important? Who in the hell actually likes Donald Trump and when did they have their lobotomies? Isn’t this thing over yet?

So to get to the heart of the matter, The Snap Download has convened yet another fake town hall where we will answer your most insane questions despite how much we just want to forget about this whole election and move to Iceland. We tried to convene a town hall with real voters but it was just so fucking terrifying that most of us have been either drinking whiskey straight from the bottle or rocking back and forth in the fetal position. So here’s the fake one:

Q: First things first – isn’t this over yet? We’ve been hearing about the 2016 election since 2012. Why doesn’t everyone just accept The Donald is it, replace that toupee with a crown and name him our overlord?

A: Yes, we have been at this for quite some time but amazingly the real elections haven’t even started. So gird your loins, we’ve got primaries for months and months, then the parties’ conventions, then the general election isn’t until November.

Q: What the hell is a caucus anyway? My friend’s son came home talking about it and we washed his mouth out with soap ‘til we figured out it wasn’t some disgusting sex act.

A: Caucusing is not for the faint of heart. You don’t just stand in a line and then pull a few levers or hang some chads. You gotta go to someone’s library or house or whatever, and listen to them yammer on about their preferred candidate. Everyone talks at each other for hours, hanging out with people that support the candidates they heart the bestest, and then they decide who they want to vote for. The GOP one is weird but simpler than the Dem one. The Dem one will allegedly allow virtual caucusing. Always wear a condom while virtually caucusing. You don’t know where that thing has been.

Q: So after all this caucusing, we’re done?

A: Hells no! This is just Iowa. There’s a whole bunch of other states. The parties don’t pick a candidate until he or she gets 2,383 delegates at the Democratic National Convention or 1,237 at the Republican National Convention.

Q: So why is Iowa so important?

A: Beats the shit out of us. But the reason why it goes first is that the caucuses take so damn long. Plus you gotta admit if you’re willing to spend that much time talking about these candidates you are a little more involved than your average voter. That said, the winner of the Iowa primary doesn’t really indicate who the hell will end up being president.

Q: At each damn debate there’s still like a bazillion people running. Why do so many think they stand a chance?

A: Because no matter how the pundits make it sound, it’s early days. There will be primaries held around the country. And until someone’s campaign runs out of money or nerve, they’re gonna keep hoping for a miracle.

Q: Who in the hell actually likes Trump? Hasn’t he offended every group on earth?

A: Yes, except middle-aged white men but no matter what this wackjob says he gets more popular by the day. He’d have to set the Bible on fire while pissing on a ‘Murican flag to really lose any of his legions. As to who those legions are, CNN interviewed some of them and not every single one was a middle-aged or old white man! Or at least that’s what they said. We started to read through the article and listen to the people but we were afraid our brains would explode.

 Q: So when will this all be over?

A: Well, unless there is some Constitutional crisis like in 2000, the election should be over some time late on November 8, 2016 or the day after. But then hang on to your asses, because by November 10, some lunatic will be talking about the 2020 election. Mercifully by then we’ll have knocked ourselves unconscious or be living in someone’s basement in Canada.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

Subscribe to get updates delivered to your inbox