Mass Shooting Mad Lib

Mass Shooting Mad Lib

Adrienne BoettingerThursday,3 December 2015

Since each time a mass shooting happens, everyone says and does the exact same damn things—resulting in no action whatsoever that would have the slightest effect on the amount of times we have to deal with these senseless tragedies—we thought it would make more sense to report these fill-in-the-blank/mad lib style. Don’t like it? Get off your ass, contact your elected official and demand action –be it effective legislation to register gun users, limit the amount of assault weapons lunatics are allowed to buy, or just to allow research to figure out ways to stop the insanity.

Today at (specific time) a mass shooting took the lives of (number) and wounded (number) more. The shooting happened at (name of school or public place) in (name of city and state). All schools, businesses, and governmental office buildings in the surrounding area were placed on lockdown for (number) hours while emergency personnel treated victims and police hunted for the alleged gunman. Police are asking for anyone with information about the incident to come forward.

The alleged gunman is named (first, middle and last male names). His family never suspected he would do anything like this though unnamed friends indicated his (name of social media platform) posts had been worrying them for quite some time. “He was always a quiet boy,” said a neighbor. “Always helped with (type of chore) and never seemed to cause any trouble.”

Families and friends of the victims are staging a candlelit vigil outside of (name of hospital) and mourners have been leaving flowers and mementos at (name of school or public space mentioned in first paragraph). Several family members have spoken to the media demanding changes in local and federal gun laws. “Something must be done besides prayers and vigils,” said the (type of relative) of the youngest victim of the attack.

The White House was said to be monitoring the situation while members of Congress wrung their hands and talked about a need to (do something non-specific) about the mental health situation in the United States. Meanwhile, fears of changes to gun control laws have been circulating on social media resulting in a spike of gun sales by (number) percent.

This was the (insanely high number) shooting to take place in the country this year. The United States outpaces every other advanced nation in terms of number of gun deaths. In what is absolutely just a coincidence, the United States also has the largest amount of weapons per person and the laxest gun laws. If only the United States could figure out why so many of its citizens feel the need to shoot their fellow citizens to death.

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Image Credit: Sam Saunders on Flickr

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