Let’s Talk, Turkeys!

Let’s Talk, Turkeys!

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,23 November 2015

Believe it or not, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. In terms of amount of pie per person, this is truly the best holiday in the world. Plus, the other food and beverages are top notch so sustenance-wise, Thanksgiving kicks the crap out of Flag Day. But maybe you’re nervous about spending so much time with loved ones given all that cutlery lying around.

Conservative and liberal websites will give you helpful hints to avoid starting arguments with family members or to win said arguments. Other sites will recommend a moratorium on politics and religion and still other sites will give you bingo cards so you can keep track of all the horrible things your loved ones say.

Here at The Snap Download, we’ll do none of that. Not because our families get along like a freaking Norman Rockwell painting, but because we advocate putting the fun back into dysfunction. Sure, you could try to have a rational, non-screamy chat with your uncle on immigration but let’s get real. Everyone just wants to stuff themselves silly and remember (or reenact) the Great Whipped Cream fight of 2009 (see below), not discuss which candidate said what during which debate.


So whether you’re left- or right-wing, uber religious or ultra atheist, here are some ways of turning potential terribleness into awkwardly hilarity or at least memories that won’t require your therapist on speed-dial.

1. Election. If anyone brings up the election, get as much toilet paper as you can find. Tell the speaker that anyone talking about the election has to make an outfit out of toilet paper and then everyone will vote on whose outfit is the most amazeballs. You can give them a theme (fun ones include liberty, under the sea, and the future) or just let them come up with their own. And if doesn’t work to stop the chatter, a lack of toilet paper will make most guests want to head home early.

2. Ignorance. Racism, religious intolerance, sexism, and xenophobia can be tough to swallow especially after you’ve eaten your weight in yams. You may decide to remember you left the stove on at home or you may want to have it out with the asshat making things uncomfortable. Alternatively, we recommend drowning them out by singing any of the following at the top of your lungs: theme song to “Greatest American Hero,” “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” or “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”. Then you can challenge the first person to make eye contact to follow you in karaoke glory.

3. Life Status. Holidays can also be awkward because of the dickish things people will say to you about your life status. This can range from remarking on someone’s perpetual singletonness, marital issues, lack of children-having, unemployment or any of the other ways in which you are a total disappointment. You may be tempted to say something unkind in reply but it’s way more fun to throw mashed potatoes at that person.

4. Black Friday Shopping and/or War on Christmas. If anyone at your holiday is working on Thanksgiving or Black Friday, he/she gets to wear a crown for having to deal with asshat shoppers. He/she also gets to be first in line for food and dessert. If others want to talk about how commercialized the holidays have become or bitch about the perceived War on Christmas, get some festive tunes going and challenge them to a dance-off. Extra points for use of props and remember, nothing beats The Worm.

P.S. Remember, a lot of people would LOVE to be forced to have awkward conversations with your relatives if it meant they got a good meal and got out of the cold for a night. Don’t just be thankful for what and who you have in your life, help someone else out by donating to a worthwhile charity in your community or beyond, volunteering, or checking in on a neighbor.

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Image Credit: Steve Voght on Flickr

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