Arm Chair Scientists Determine Global Warming Caused By…

Arm Chair Scientists Determine Global Warming Caused By…

Corey WilsonWednesday,4 November 2015

There was a period where I didn’t loathe Glenn Beck. It was right around the time South Park made fun of him. He’d become less of a dolt and more of a joker; I wasn’t even fully convinced he wasn’t just trolling everyone—with the crying and the chalk board acronyms.

Now, it seems I loathe him again.

It’s with great heart ache that I have to dismantle this stupid, stupid man. You see, I find him hilarious. And not in the “I’ll laugh to hide my tears,” way that Bill O’Reilly is hilarious. So this article is hard for me.

This transcript of this episode of his show is comedic gold. I didn’t even listen to the podcast and I was laughing. So, thank you, Beck for at least glazing your stupidity in funny before serving.

Anyway, aside from being funny, it’s so damn stupid. And there’s an air of arrogance that is infuriating. Let’s go line by line.

GLENN: And, you know, it is also Halloween weekend. And I’m very concerned that I found out just recently that now jack-o’-lanterns are a significant cause of global warming.

He’s being a little loose with his phrasing there. Pumpkins aren’t causing global warming; they’re adding to the already present issue. When said that way, it’s sort of like a straw man.

Scientists aren’t saying that pumpkins are going to destroy the Earth; they’re saying that pumpkins are another source of methane, which coupled with all of the other sources (natural gas emissions for example), are adding to the warming of the planet. It’s subtle, but douchey nonetheless.

GLENN: Yeah, no, it’s true. No, it’s not true. But it’s true they’re saying that now.

Actually, it is true. True that they’re saying it and true that pumpkins cause methane.

After another member on the podcast recites some facts about the amount of pumpkin waste in US landfills Glenn follows up with:

GLENN: Holy cow. What happens to those pumpkins when they’re just left to rot in the fields or someplace else?

Well, the microbes that create the methane may still be doing it, but it’s not as concentrated. There’s a difference between pumpkins rotting slowly over time in fields and 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins rotting simultaneously in landfills across the country.

But it gets worse, because it’s one thing to poke fun at the idea that jack-o’-lanterns are causing global warming (which is kind of a funny idea. Something so innocuous like a gourd with a funny face is literally killing our planet.), but it’s another thing to continue the joke once the silliness is removed. Because the Department of Energy isn’t even trying to ban pumpkins. All they’re trying to do is teach and suggest alternative ways to deal with the waste.

PAT: What they’re suggesting is more biorefineries so we can turn the pumpkins into energy.


STU: How many times have we said it?

GLENN: You know, with all the things going on in today’s world, this is the one I would focus on.

Because America can only focus on one thing. The country can either put 100% of its resources into national security, or they can put 100% of its resources into eliminating the methane caused by the decomposition of pumpkins. Seriously, Beck.

PAT: The sun has nothing to do with warming on this planet.

Are you fucking kidding me?

GLENN: Exactly right. So we know it’s people. Now, go with me on this thinking. We also know that it’s pumpkins. Now I’ll try to say that again with a straight face. We now know that scientists are telling us that global warming is caused by the heavy metal plastic that is in the pumpkin.

They are not telling us that.

GLENN: More biofuels. We’ll heat houses out of the pumpkins because the pumpkins are causing global warming. Hear me out now.

GLENN: We already know that people are the cause of global warming as well.

GLENN: Should we not apologize to Planned Parenthood for making biofuel out of babies?

And that’s all, folks. I’ll leave you with that because anything else I write would just be a waste of my time and yours. I think Glenn’s hilarious stupidity speaks for itself.


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