Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back: Latest Debate Drinking Game

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back: Latest Debate Drinking Game

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,27 October 2015

As the field of Democratic Presidential candidates steadily dwindles, the GOP field is the game of “99 bottles of beer” on the wall that won’t end — if by “bottles of beer” we meant ass-achingly annoying candidates and by game we meant endless electoral cycle. And so we try to whip up some alcohol-based enthusiasm for the third GOP Primary Debate even as we consider swapping out our cocktails for rat poison.

Yes, that’s right, there’s another goddamn two-part debate on another goddamn cable news station that we will masochistically watch and live-tweet so that you, our precious readers, can go forth and live actual lives that don’t make you want to walk into oncoming traffic. That’s just the sort of website we are; we can’t help it – we’re givers.

The losing-est of the candidates will be on at 6pm (Santorum, Jindal, Pataki, Graham) while The Donald, the former surgeon and their back-up singers (Rubio, Bush, Fiorina, Cruz, Huckabee, Christie, Kasich and Paul) will be on at 8pm. We predict that we will want to jam forks into our eardrums by around 6:20pm though we did just buy some decent booze so maybe we’ll be able to hang in there until part-way through the grown-up table debate.

As an added bonus, the moderator will be an actual Latino-American journalist, Carl Quintanilla, making it easier for The Donald to have a live Mexican-American to direct his vitriolic insanity at and more impossible for those of us not sufficiently roofied by Trump’s maniacal charisma to avoid cringing throughout the entire debate. So we all win! Yay!

Although we’re sure CNBC will throw a scintillating debate that will help the undecided voters determine which candidate will best steward ‘Murica into a brave new world, just in case you need some liquid incentive to get you through it, here are some rules for the abridged version of the drinking game:

– If a candidate mentions Hillary Clinton, e-mail, Benghazi or Sydney Blumenthal: do a shot.
– If a candidate sings the praises of the middle-class: pound a PBR or Coors Light.
– If anyone mentions repealing Obamacare, ending the Iran nuclear deal, or starting a new Cuban missile crisis: drink some Merlot.
– If anyone talks trash about John Boehner: drink an entire bottle of Merlot while singing “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!”
 – If anyone compares themselves to Ronald Reagan: follow a shot with a chaser of jelly beans.
– If anyone compares anything to Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, 9-11 or Slavery: do a B-52, Car-bomb or whichever drink feels the least appropriate.
– If anyone thanks the Lord or mentions family values: Shirley Temples for everyone!
– If Donald Trump refers to anyone as “low energy”: Red Bull and vodka. STAT.
– If you make it through the entire debate: treat yo’self to some decent liquor and then call the doc, because you need an MRI or psych evaluation.

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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