Election Perennial Quadrennial: Winner and Losers

Election Perennial Quadrennial: Winner and Losers

Rachel CohenMonday,26 October 2015

For bitter, angry people who love to mix their booze and Xanax, the election season is like freaking Christmas. As with that paean to Capitalism and O’ Holy Overnight Shipping, it seems like the holiday season keeps creeping up earlier each go around.

But also, at what point can we stop calling it a “season”? Really, you know this shit goes on in perpetuity.

You know what? I just looked it up and I guess you could technically refer to it as a season if you are the kind of person to define season as

(n.) any period or time

As in

in the season of my youth

But in that case you’re an asshole and I hate you anyway so shut up and lets cut it out with that season crap.

Anyway, this election perennial quadrennial (just go with it) has been exciting! Lots of yelling! Loud noises! A lady! Lots of people who hate ladies!

But as always, there are losers on both sides.

This week’s winner is Joe Biden, and there’s not much more to say besides THANK YOU UNCLE JOE! I don’t know if I ever really believed that he was considering a go, but the idea of Hillary vs. Joe (and god knows where Bernie would fit in) made me sad. It’s like Care Bears fighting. And I need my Care Bear these days (thanks Mom!)

Biden really wins because he now steers clear of the shit-show that is America’s Next Top PresidentTM, and can instead keep his current cool status, which has done wonders for his record and reputation.

Last week gave us the news that Paul Ryan is giving a go to replacing Boehner as Speaker of the House, and oh boy does that make Ryan the biggest loser of the week.

I guess the upside here is that after this we’ll never have to deal with another Ryan presidential campaign, so, there’s that. Nothing ruins a Republican career like a stint as Speaker, although he has a cushy media job to look forward to.

The thing with Paul Ryan, an animatronic kewpie doll, is that he plays a bullshit game of politics to mask his lack of substance. He loves writing loooong things that look Impressive and Stately, the two required qualities of an able politician, and he can avoid actually having policies because no one ever reads the damn things.

Look, no one expects Ryan to be the so-called “moderate” that the far right considered his predecessor to be, but it still continues to shock me that we focus so much time and energy on presidential candidates while letting the patients run the asylum.

I mean, it’s fine, this is why we drink and without this foolishness we wouldn’t have so many excellent blogs (ahem) taking down the clownery masqueraded as policy of today’s government.

Let’s end on a high note, though. It’s looking more and more like JEB! is out of money.

Election perennial quadrennial. Just try it out. I think it gives America’s Next Top PresidentTM the gravity it deserves.

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