Can Even Alcohol Liven Up the 1st Democratic Primary Debate?
Can Even Alcohol Liven Up the 1st Democratic Primary Debate?
Adrienne BoettingerMonday,12 October 2015
Here at The Snap Download we are political junkies. We watch all the States of the Union, major policy announcements, in-depth interviews, listen to a crap-ton of political podcasts, and – god help us – watch every damn debate. But even we’re having a hard time mustering up enthusiasm for the first Democratic Primary Debate in the 2016 Presidential Race. It doesn’t have the same feelings of excitement, disbelief and nervous hysteria that were prompted by the two Republican Primary Debates that have already been completed.
The Democratic candidates just aren’t as exciting as the Republican ones. Sure, Hillary Clinton’s emailing about needing to watch Parks and Recreation or finding the latest recipes for Gefilte fish (Gefilte fish jello shooters!) were fine for a semi-chuckle but even the Dem’s gaffes aren’t as amusing/horrifying as the top Republican candidates.
And now a quick refresher of who will be on stage:
Hillary Rodham Clinton. Clinton would be the first female President of the United States, just as she was the first female partner at the Rose Law Firm and the first First Lady to have a postgraduate degree. In Clinton, the Dems would have someone with foreign policy, human rights, civil rights, education and health care experience. She has also weathered some serious scandals with nary a wrinkle to her pantsuits, finally speaking of the act of forgiving her husband for his infidelity as “liberating.” Bottom line: Likes Joni Mitchell, e-mail, and Amy Poehler. Dislikes blue dresses, Internet trolls, and words that end in ‘ghazi.’
Bernie Sanders. He may remind you of your crazy Uncle Milton after a few too many 7 and 7s, but don’t underestimate Senator Sanders or he will come at you like a goddamn spider monkey. He was active in the Civil Rights movement and has survived Vermont’s crusty political scene for 25 years. While he is generally anti-war, he considers himself pro-veteran — working to add $50 billion in spending on veterans’ health programs. You can call him a socialist and he will wear that badge with pride. It is sort of refreshing to see a Democrat unafraid of seeming too liberal. Bottom line: Likes Scandinavians, the Pope, and brevity. Dislikes wasting time, threats to privacy, and pesky kids being all up on his lawn.
Martin O’Malley. His dreamy Catholic-boy-next-door looks are well-suited for American politics but when combined with a cringe-worthy predilection for shtick and epically long local-themed stories, he often fails to charm. He also uses data to drive decision-making and is sometimes willing take on tough issues with unpopular tax increases. Although he was a functional civil servant, he often seemed too dispassionate to excite an electorate that consistently leans toward constant outrage. Bottom line: Likes “The Wire” and Lucky Charms. Dislikes climate deniers and decent sound bites.
Jim Webb. The shining, eyebrowless hope of white, male Democrats, Webb was the first out of the gate when it came to exploratory committees. He served in Vietnam, was Secretary of the Navy during the Reagan years, and only served one term as a Senator because he disliked campaigning so much. He remains big on helping veterans but he used to think women shouldn’t be allowed in combat units and he isn’t really a fan of protecting the environment. Bottom line: Likes having lots of different jobs, getting married (or possibly getting divorced). Dislikes Wall Street and campaigns.
Lincoln Chafee. Chafee has served in major office as a Republican, Democrat and Independent. No matter what his party affiliation, his positions on the issues have been largely consistent: pro on same-sex marriage, abortion rights, a higher minimum wage and higher taxes on the wealthy; opposed to the death penalty and oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. His other claim to “fame” is that he is a major fan of the metric system. So much so that he actually made it a part of his campaign launch. Bottom line: Likes meters, unpopularity and fried chicken. Dislikes unshod horses, and the fact that his last name reminds people of chafing.
(possible) Joe Biden. It seems unusual to dismiss a sitting VP as a POTUS contender unless he is a flesh-eating cyborg like Dick Cheney. For quite some time we’ve been hearing calls to draft VP Biden into running for the Oval. He served in the Senate for 36 years; that plus two terms as VP means he’s got street cred in terms of experience. And he has fought for and made some strides on issues typically popular with the Democratic base like violence against women, gun control and education. He’s also been visible in terms of foreign policy efforts, particularly when it comes to Ukraine and Iraq. But then he opens his mouth to speak. If you’re not blinded by the brilliance of his pearly whites, you may be blindsided by his ability to say (or do) precisely the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Bottom line: Likes dental hygiene, saying whatever comes to mind whenever it pops into his head, and his kickass wife. Dislikes personal boundaries and Twitter.
THE GAME: Same deal as before. If you actually follow all the rules of the drinking game you will probably commence projectile vomiting 20 minutes into the debate. Take it easy and feel free to replace the specialized drinks with ones of your own choosing. Have other ideas for debate drinking game rules? Hit us up on Twitter @TheSnapDownload or @AdriniBot.
If a candidate directly mentions e-mails, Benghazi, spontaneity, trustworthiness or pantsuits: sip a Cosmo.
If Joe Biden shows up or if the moderators ask the candidates about VP Biden: do a shot of Hot Damn!
If any candidate brings up “Black Lives Matter” and manages not to sound like a total asshat: hold your breath.
If any candidate brings up “Black Lives Matter” and sounds like a total asshat: pound your head onto the table and then drink some whiskey.
If a candidate positively mentions President Obama: enjoy some fine Merlot.
If a candidate negatively mentions President Obama: do a Lemon Drop shot.
When Don Lemon makes you want to stop watching the debate: shake your head slowly and then shotgun a beer.
If Anderson Cooper looks like he wants to stab himself so he can leave the debate and go to the hospital: do a Kamikaze shot.
If a candidate brings up socialism: vodka and plenty of it.
If a candidate says something specific and detailed about how he or she would address a policy issue: pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming.
If a candidate directly refers to Donald Trump: shots of tequila for everyone!