Happy Holidays, You Crapweasels!

Happy Holidays, You Crapweasels!

Adrienne BoettingerThursday,1 October 2015

Before y’all rub your hands together in glee over the news of John Boehner’s soon-to-be de-Speakering, simmer down. Yes, I know many Congressional Conservatives are breathlessly blissful that the most liberal person on the face of the earth will no longer be Speaker of the House (mainly because they don’t understand what the word ‘liberal’ really means). But for all the nincompoops who think John Boehner’s resignation will actually make Congress more productive, help their side win more in negotiations, or do anything to make Congressional dysfunction less painful, you are dumber than a sack of hammers.

Now you may be saying, “Hold on there, self-proclaimed Queen of Everything! Boehner’s stepping down means there will be no government shutdown; isn’t that what you commie liberals wanted?” To this my answer is, “Not if it means Congressional crapweasels will be shutting the government down for the holidays!”

Because that’s what it looks like is going to happen. Sure, Boehner’s joyous resignation may have stopped the latest batch of crazies from shutting down the government over a series of videos maliciously edited to cast aspersions on the excellent work in women’s health that is done by Planned Parenthood…this time. But since the continuing resolution measure put forward by the Senate only gets us to December 11, and the new Speaker will almost certainly have even less luck reining in anarchical Tea Partiers than Boehner did, that means the esteemed members of the 114th Congress may be shutting down the rest of the federal government (or at least the rest of the government’s paychecks) just in time for the holidays. Happy birthday Jesus!

Why has his own party turned on Speaker Boehner so viciously and maliciously? If you look at his actual voting record and positions you’ll find that he’s solidly in the conservative camp. Was it just because he objected to the decision by Senator Ted Cruz and other asshats to hold the government hostage over the Affordable Care Act in 2013? Was it because he sometimes talked to Democrats or even (gasp!) listened to them?

I’m not a staunch supporter of Speaker Boehner but nor do I think him the devil he is made out to be. The mere mention of his resignation by Senator Marco Rubio at last week’s Values Voter Summit probably gave the Senator a bump in the polls, which has to be welcome news to a RNC that is frantically looking for a way to shove Donald Trump off the main stage of the 2016 campaign. All I’m saying is this is a situation when you had better beware of what you’re asking for. Boehner was one of the few powerful party members who was willing and able to smack the Tea Party upside the head when necessary. Which patient will be in charge of the asylum now?

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