Bye Bye Boehner
Bye Bye Boehner
Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,29 September 2015
The sudden announcement from House Speaker John Boehner that he’ll soon be outy 5000 has got me all verklempt. No, not because the Speaker is not afraid of a good cry. I’m feeling nostalgic because without Speaker Boehner I might never have started yammering about how things will be When I Become Queen of Everything. The first article I pitched to TSD’s Editor Extraordinaire and Founder, Shane Barnhill, was about how I wanted to staple things to John Boehner’s head. Ah, memories! So join me for a stumbling trip down amnesia lane as we fondly remember Chief Oompa Loompa’s greatest hits (cue “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan or “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men).
1. His Way With Words. Speaker Boehner’s legislative lyricism was the stuff of dreams. Like when, as a brilliant negotiation tactic, he told Senator Harry Reid to “go fuck yourself.” So elegant. So simple.
2. He Constantly Surprised Us. We usually expected Boehner to pound some red wine, drop a few f-bombs and talk about how Obamacare would make the earth crash into the sun. But then he’d go and surprise us by sounding reasonable and not insane, like when he argued against letting the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombing derail attempts at immigration reform. Of course it didn’t work in the slightest but bless his little heart for trying.
3. Raising the Roof. Remember back in 2013 when Speaker Boehner threatened to not raise THE DEBT CEILING until a virgin was sacrificed under the light of a full moon? Or at least when he said he wouldn’t raise it unless President Obama did everything that he wanted including standing on his left leg and patting his stomach with his right hand while singing “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. That was totes adorbs. What will happen the next time we’re nearing THE DEBT CEILING and Speaker Boehner isn’t there to ineffectually threaten the President?
4. Appreciation for the Little Things. Our expectations of Congress have been lowered to the point that we’re happy when they’re not kicking kittens or stealing chewable vitamins from malnourished toddlers. So we were super proud when the 24-hour-noose cycle acted as if a meeting between Speaker Boehner and President Obama that didn’t end with them spitting on each other was the 21st century equivalent of the Treaty of Versailles.
5. Bring it On. One of the things we loved best about Boehner was his total lack of concern when it came to being hated. His primary hobby was tanning but his secondary hobby was trying to see how unpopular he could become. Like when one of the most reviled organizations in the U.S. government (the House of Representatives) decided to take a chunk out of the budget of one of the most revered governmental organizations – and one that actually can turn a profit – the National Park Service. Genius.
7. He’s Not a Doctor But He Plays One On TV. It is one of our favoritest things ever when not-scientist politicians tell us how air pollution is actually good for us as it makes our lungs work harder instead of being lazy good-for-nothings. So we were all “huzzah” when Boehner said “NUTS” to regulations that actual economists said wouldn’t hurt the economy and actual scientists said might help our lungs not become blackened lumps of charcoal.
8. United States of Litigation. Remember when Speaker Boehner was going to sue President Obama for still being President? Or was it for being black? Or was it for using his Executive Powers? You know – the same ones that every other President used but it suddenly became not okay when it was Obama. Oh, John, you didn’t have to sue the Prez to get our attention. We still loved ya!
9. Johnny loves Bibi. Chief Oompa Loompa was never so charming as when he invited the Israeli president to come tell Congress how stupid President Obama was. So precious how he thought it appropriate to give Netanyahu that sort of stage when Bibi was actively campaigning for his reelection. Would Congress pull this kind of crap with another Prez? Methinks not.
10. Last but certainly not least was Speaker Boehner’s prominence in some of our bestest drinking games like Fiscal Cliff, Lame(ass) Duck Congress, and Inebriated State of the Union. We’ll be melancholic when the next SOTU comes around and he’s not seated behind the Prez, making that face where it looks like he’s having intense gastrointestinal pain.
So raise your glass of Merlot to honor the man that has provided us with so much mirth. He seems pretty damn giddy to be on his way out of that Dysfunctional House of Pain and we honestly can’t blame him.