Analogies for Asshats

Analogies for Asshats

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,14 September 2015

You know how everyone keeps saying American schools spend too much time prepping students for testing? Well, there are many politicians and pundits who need to get in on that action. Because if we have to listen to one more asshat compare Kim Davis to a hero or courageous conviction-holder, we’re gonna come at them like a spider monkey.

First up for our remedial students: analogies. As a quick refresher, an analogy is the act of comparing two things that are alike in some way.  So if we were to say to you, “spittle is to screamers like out-of-wedlock children are to what,” you would say “sanctimonious hypocrites.” That’s because spittle is sometimes the byproduct that screamers didn’t intend to create the same way that out-of-wedlock children are sometimes the unintended creation of sanctimonious hypocrites. Okay so first up:

Q: Kim Davis is like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. the same way…

Wait, that doesn’t work at all. That bad example was the work of the attorney for Kim Davis, the martyr-y Kentucky county clerk who won’t issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.  It’s a bad example because those two people, Davis and King, are not remotely alike. One is in legal trouble because she refuses to do the job she was elected to do and yet also refuses to resign, and the other was jailed because he risked his liberty and life so that all Americans could enjoy the same civil rights. But we guess Davis and King are alike in that they’re both humans so maybe you could say:

A: Kim Davis is like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. the same way Donald Trump is like Pope Francis.

See they’re all humans plus we’re comparing someone awful (like Kim Davis or Donald Trump) with someone who actually achieved something and serves as a role model for people around the world (like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. or Pope Francis).

Please note: this answer would also apply to the other amazing humans that lunatics like Governor Mike Huckabee and Iowa Congressman Steve King are comparing Kim Davis to, which unbelievably include Rosa Parks and Abraham Lincoln.

Now onto math! Seeing as how the politicians, pundits and fame-crazed attorneys are proving to be quite idiotic, we’ll make the math portion as easy as we possibly can:

Q: The Bible mentions homosexuality 6 times but cracks down on adultery 52 times. Is 6 more than, the same as, or less than 52?

A: 6 is less than 52.

Please note: Kim Davis and her supporters claim same-sex marriage is bad because the Bible says so. Aside from the fact that there are lots of other parts of the Bible that people have stepped away from (like allowing/condoning slavery or selling your daughter for 3 goats and a cow), the Bible also talks about evil adultery and adulterers a lot more frequently than homosexuality which suggests that adultery was worse than homosexuality in terms of bibleyness. The Bible also says something about “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” so it’s good that neither Kim nor her supporters have sinned in the slightest.

Finally, let’s have a brief refresher on civics and civil liberties.

Q: True or false: Kim Davis has the right to believe whatever she wants and the government can’t make her believe something else?

A: True. As a citizen, Kim Davis has the right to practice whatever hate-filled, judgmental religion she wants. She can believe and say what she wants. So can the starved-for-attention politicians using her to get some air time away from Donald Trump. But as a government employee, not to mention an elected official, Ms. Davis does not have the right to deny others their civil liberties based on what she claims as “God’s authority.” The same amendment to the Constitution her supporters use to back up Davis’ right to believe what she wants also says that the government (or agents thereof) can’t establish an official religion. That means in her role as a civil servant Davis can’t decide not to perform a critical function of the position she freely chose to campaign for because her god says so.

We were going to have some refreshers on science and the difference between scientifically proven things and people’s uninformed opinions but thinking about it made us have to lie down in a dark room with a cold drink so we’ll save that one for another day.

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