Thank God I’m Not You
Thank God I’m Not You
Adrienne BoettingerFriday,4 September 2015
Listening to BuzzFeed’s Internet Explorer recently, I got a searing pain in my right eye. Not because they were talking about piggy poop balls (this is a thing) but because one host said pityingly to the other something along the lines of “Thank God I’m not single!” This is something I get a lot when I’m back in the land of the psychotic, otherwise known as online dating. Upon hearing of my latest dating adventure (like the guy who didn’t like food or people or the guy who greeted me by licking my hair), friends and loved ones tend to realize how grateful they are that they don’t have to date.
Then I made the mistake of googling “Thank God I’m not single” and was greeted by this totally not annoying article by a delightfully smug married who can’t even with the sadness that is the single life, especially as those poor singletons age all lonely and terrible.
Being a bitter, bitter crone, I decided to remind myself of why marriage and kids aren’t the sparkly unicorn sunshine that some people make them out to be. So here are rando headlines just from this past week that should make singletons think we’re not so bad off:
1. Toddler Fight Club. I had heard child care was expensive but I didn’t realize that’s because day care providers need better recording equipment to capture what happens when they force toddlers to fight each other for the providers’ amusement. Seriously. They made the tiny children fight each other for funsies.
2. Kim Davis, Protector of the Sanctity of Marriage. This nutjob county clerk in Kentucky has hitched, cheated, and then ditched a bunch of times but still feels the moral superiority of her brand of Christianity renders her large and in charge when it comes to who gets to get married (as in definitely not the homosexuals). If she’s a spokesperson for matrimony, maybe everyone should rethink the institution.
3. Marriage Champions. A conservative group has gotten 4 of the most crazytimes GOP candidates (though not the head wackmobile) to sign its anti-same-sex marriage pledge. The group recently proclaimed Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Rick Santorum and Bobby Jindal as “marriage champions.” ‘Nuff said.
4. Husband Kills Wife Over Missing Church Tithe. What is it with religion and marriage today? First the deputy of Jesus decides no one in Kentucky can get married if the gays are allowed, and then this d-bag in Tennessee shoots and kills his wife because of insufficient donations to their church.
5. Marriage Stinks. Or at least it does for this Egyptian couple where the wife is seeking a divorce because her husband smells like a hot sack of cheese and feet.
6. Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger Are Splitsville. If the SK8r grl and frontman for one of the most loathed bands in the modern era can’t make marriage work, what hope is there for us mere mortals?
In reality, no one’s life is all fluffy meadows and burritos. Your friends may pity you because you spend Valentine’s Day with your dog and you may pity them because their husbands expect a BJ if they so much as unload the dishwasher. Sometimes your life will be better than the other half, sometimes it will be worse. But one thing will remain constant: burritos are damn delicious.