Words With Mike

Words With Mike

Corey WilsonWednesday,2 September 2015

Analogies. Just another item to add to a growing list of things that Mike Huckabee sucks at. I guess it’s not uncommon at least. A lot of writers at Fox News seem to struggle with complex ideas; with that in mind, I guess I can give him a pass. He’s just lucky he isn’t president; I expect a little more cognitive ability from the leader of the Free World. But not to worry cuz: Trump 2016, baby!

Even when I say it as a joke it hurts.

We all know that Mike has a knack for hyperbole, a penchant for drumming up emotions and scaring people—which is why he works for Fox News. You could call those abilities “gifts” (certainly not from God, but from some Biblical figure surely). Horrible, horrible gifts. Each gift came together last Friday to create this masterpiece. Misinformation, scare tactics, and of course, horrible, horrible analogies.

Let’s be clear for a moment: the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) has not given Iran permission to “self-inspect” its own nuke sites. What the IAEA has done is allowed Iranian inspectors to be present, and to handle the materials involved under supervision. IAEA inspectors will be present at all times, and the nuke sites are open 24/7 to said inspectors.

But that’s not why we’re fucking here, Mike! This isn’t about your terrible article, or about you spinning lies, this is about your butchery of our Engl— American language (wink). I’m a fiction writer in my soul, Mike. That’s why these articles always suck. You, I take it, are a “journalist” in your soul. Which is why your analogies suck.

So let’s put all your stupid lies aside and work together to make those analogies sing like the wind (off to a good start!).

“Letting the Iranians ‘self inspect’ their nuclear energy facilities is like letting mass murderers run a gun shop, hoping they’ll behave.”

No, it’s really not, Mike. See, you’re really close. I can almost see what you’re going for, but you’re falling just short.

It’s really more like letting pedophiles self-inspect their own browser history. Get it? The action needs to be the same in order for the analogy to work. In this case the action is “self-inspection.”

“It makes more sense to make a convicted embezzler your financial planner than to allow the Iranians to ‘self-inspect’ their nuclear sites.”

Again, not really. See, you don’t actually give financial planners any money. They’re just there to help build a… financial plan, whether it be for retirement or whatever.

What you should’ve said was, “It makes more sense to let your adulterous spouse check their own text messages to make sure they’re not cheating than to allow the Iranians to ‘self-inspect’ their nuclear sites.”

That works on two fronts because adultery is a sin in your Bible so you could totally spin that to win more Christian votes. It’s all about buzz words and pandering, right Mike?

If you want, you could hire me to edit your articles for you, Mike. I know that you likely already have an editor since your Wikipedia page has been totally revamped (looks great, by the way), but if you ever need an extra set of eyes to, you know, to do research and stuff for you, I’m your man.

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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