Drinking Through the Pain: 1st GOP Primary Debate

Drinking Through the Pain: 1st GOP Primary Debate

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,4 August 2015

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year! No, you didn’t fall asleep for a few months and wake up right before Christmas/Chanukah/Solstice/Kwanza/Festivus. It’s time for the 2016 Presidential debates to begin or more importantly, it’s time for the 2016 Presidential debate drinking games to begin! And there was much rejoicing!

During the first GOP primary debate on August 6, you will have the opportunity to watch a metric buttload of people try to seem more crazytimes than Donald Trump. There will be two rounds of debates that day. At the kids table will be all those not placing in the top 10 according to whichever polls the organizers decide to use; that will be at 5pm so make sure you leave work early. We’d recommend just taking the day off but if you actually play our drinking game on Thursday you may in fact need Friday off. You also might sustain liver damage or make terrible life decisions so be careful. The main event, featuring the top 10 contenders in 90 minutes of hilarity, kicks off at 9pm.

This will be the longest consecutive amount of time we have ever watched Fox “News.” We may wake up the next day and burn our ACLU cards, buy a shotgun and do whatever the hell else it is ultra-conservatives do. Go to Chipotle and yell at the staff to go back where they came from? Carry out a citizen’s arrest on someone trying to feed the homeless? Throw red paint on pregnant women trying to enter/exit Planned Parenthood? Get a tattoo saying ‘Heritage Not Hate’?

You’re going to want to drink a whole bunch at once to numb your brain to the insane things coming out of all the people’s mouths but be sure to pace yourselves. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Technically the general election is like 15 months away so you’re going to have a lot of debates, speeches, and sacrificing of live animals to get through before we mercifully elect a freaking President and start the next campaign for 2020. Sigh.

Without further ado, we bring you THE RULES. There are two versions of this game depending on how much attention span you have and how blitzed you get within the first few minutes: Amateur and Pro. Pro includes all the Amateur rules PLUS candidate specific fun. And watch this carnival with us on Twitter. We’ll be drinking while we live-tweet this mother so stuff is going to get all kinds of real.

AMATEUR VERSION

If This… Do This…
Anyone mentions Hillary Clinton Take a sip
Anyone praises middle class Americans Drink a Coors Light
Anyone thanks the Lord Take a swig
Anyone mentions traditional family values Make a virgin version of your fave drink
Anyone talks about repealing Obamacare Do a shot
Anyone takes a swing at The Donald Do two shots
Anyone invokes Ronald Reagan Follow a shot with a chaser of jelly beans

 

PRO VERSION

If This… Do This…
Rick Perry successfully completes a thought Open a bottle of champagne and share
Anyone refers to Rick Perry’s glasses Do a Brain Hemorrhage shot
Rick Santorum talks about the Internet, alternative meanings of his name or Dan Savage Do a Blow Job shot
Bobby Jindal refers to being Indian-American (or refers to any hyphenated Americans) Drink a Hurricane while humming Michael Jackson’s “Black or White”
Carly Fiorina manages to blink normally while speaking Wine coolers for everyone!
George Pataki says something memorable Drink as much red wine as you can in one minute
The rest of the candidates mock Jim Gilmore for just joining up Drink as much white wine as you can in one minute
A candidate gives out Lindsey Graham’s new phone number Mix red and white wines in one big glass and pound it
Lindsey Graham looks like he’s got the vapors Sip a mint julep on the veranda
Donald Trump mentions Mexico, rapists, breast feeding or how much money he has Hold your head in your hands while weeping quietly. Then do a shot of tequila.
Anyone mentions how Jeb Bush’s mother didn’t want him to run Drink a beer while standing on your head
Chris Christie falls off a chair Laugh until you cry into your Skinnygirl Margarita
Ted Cruz brings up the government shutdown or furloughs Do the limbo while shot-gunning a beer
Scott Walker makes that face where it looks like he’s been constipated for a week Follow a shot of grain alcohol with the antacid of your choice
Rand Paul brings out a chainsaw Get in your bunker and drink whiskey from the bottle
Rand Paul mentions his dad Do a Kamikaze shot
Marco Rubio says anything Drink an entire bottle of water
Ben Carson talks about prison and/or homosexuality Have an ‘Orange is the New Black’ cocktail
Mike Huckabee says anything not terrible Prepare for the forthcoming apocalypse with some Applejack
You’re never quite sure who John Kasich is Scratch your head and then pound a wine cooler
Anyone compares anything to the Holocaust or Pearl Harbor Do a shot of Fireball whiskey or  the Bomb shot of your choice (whichever feels less appropriate)
Someone speaks in rhyme or brings up Dr. Seuss Eat a plate of Green Eggs and Ham and then crap out over my childhood memories
A previously undeclared candidate joins the debate Slap yourself on the forehead and then buy a round of drinks for everyone
Anyone mentions Hillary Clinton by name Take a sip
Anyone praises middle class Americans Drink a Coors Light
Anyone thanks the Lord Take a swig
Anyone refers to traditional family values Make a virgin version of your fave drink
Anyone talks about repealing Obamacare Do a shot
A candidate takes a swing at The Donald Do two shots
Anyone invokes Ronald Reagan Follow a shot with a chaser of jelly beans

 

 

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr



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