International House of Crazy
International House of Crazy
Adrienne BoettingerWednesday,22 July 2015
It’s always super fun when ‘Muricans care about things happening in other countries! Usually we can’t be bothered but every now and again, the rest of the world starts doing stuff. Unfortunately most of us inform our opinions with Fox “News”, CNN, Facebook or Twitter; this can lead to some serious confusion as to what we should be ticked about, what should make us feel like we’re #1, and what should make us consider invading another country.
To help sort through some recent international issues, we convened a fake town hall with questions from real people (plus some from the fact-deficient email forwards about President Obama’s latest Kenyan socialist idea to take our guns).
Q: Why did Obama cave to Castro? More importantly, can I now buy buttloads of Cuban cigars? And go to Havana and drink like Hemingway?
A: If by cave to Castro you mean begin the process of normalizing relations after a failed policy of pretending Cuba doesn’t exist, then yes, Obama totally caved to Castro. As for why, it was probably because after 50 years of denying Cuba was 90 fucking miles off the coast of Florida and recognizing we deal on a daily basis with way scummier asshats, President Obama thought he needed one more group of people to hate him and settled on influential Cuban-Americans who own Floridian politicians. And no you can’t just head off to Havana immediately and drink Papa Dobles until you can’t see straight (otherwise we’d be there right now). Congress still has to lift the travel embargo but don’t worry – the U.S. Congress is renowned worldwide for the speed with which it acts.
Q: Does the Iran nuclear deal mean there will be peace in the Middle East? Or does it mean that Iran will immediately develop nuclear weapons while cackling madly?
A: Neither. Oddly there is no magic pill to fix all the Middle East’s ills. But just for funsies, ask opponents to the deal how they will stop or slow Tehran’s nuclear weapons program. If you’re a fan of protracted, impossible conflicts where we lose lives and bazillions of dollars in a military invasion, then you’ll love what the deal’s opponents have to offer. That said neither the deal nor any other plan will fix all the issues we have with Iran. This one will just help Iran crawl out from crippling sanctions if they agree to let the world make sure they’re not building nuclear weapons.
Q: Why is Europe gonna let those freeloading Greeks off the hook?
A: Greece’s economy and the eurozone are really more than the average person’s 8-second attention span can handle but no, Greece isn’t getting off the hook, Berlin isn’t totally sticking it to Athens, and the situation is most definitely not resolved. It’s more like Greece was about to plunge off a cliff and has been given a lifeline made of dental floss.
Q: How comes we haven’t just bombed ISIS the hell off the face of the earth?
A: Excellent question! And by excellent, we mean insane but here are some reasons why you are nuts: ISIS isn’t a single place or discrete group of people that would be easy to bomb, when we try to bomb our way to a solution we typically end up in a conflict for decades, there are still no guarantees we’d get what we want, and we’d probably create new enemies.
Q: Donald Trump is a genius! We need to build a wall to keep out the Mexican rapists and get Mexico to pay for that wall!
A: That’s not exactly a question but ignoring that fact have you lost all control of your senses? Only a complete racist, asshat, imbecile with more dollars than sense would think all Mexican immigrants are rapists, drug dealers or whatever isolationist, piece of crap idiocy that combover-loving nutjob said. Even if, and that is a G-I-N-O-R-M-O-U-S if, the bulk of people seeking entry into this country were vicious criminals looking to ruin as many lives as possible, there is no earthly way a wall would keep people out who routinely risk their lives to get here OR that the Donald could get Mexico to do anything other than burn him in effigy.