Who’s Who in 2016

Who’s Who in 2016

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,23 June 2015

The entrance of Donald Trump’s toupee into the 2016 Presidential Cam-PAIN-a-palooza has inspired us to do a roundup of the people running, thinking about running, and/or have the remotest of remote chances of winning. This list doesn’t include every rando or nobody who has tossed his or her tinfoil hat into the ring but it sums up all the ones we’ve brought you so far (plus Trump and Palin who don’t deserve their own posts) in a way you can easily compare them (more in-depth TSD coverage available on Bush, Webb, Graham,  Walker, O’Malley, Huckabee, Jindal, Christie, Clinton, Carson, Paul, Biden, Cruz, Perry, Rubio, Sanders, Fiorina, Kasich, Chaffee, Santorum and Pataki). You’re welcome!

You may think this doesn’t really matter but if you care about marriage, police, guns, births, deaths, families, environment, health, children, choice, who gets to buy their way to naming the next president and much more, think carefully before you vote. Presidents choose Supreme Court justices (and other top level judges) who have a major say in what you are legally allowed to do/not do. Presidents can get us into and out of military conflicts. Presidents are our reps to the rest of the world. Do your part: think, then vote.

Joe Biden:

  • Party: Democrat
  • 2016 Status: Not running
  • Current Job: Vice President of the United States
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Very handsy
  • Likes: Dental hygiene, saying whatever comes to mind whenever it pops into his head, and his kickass wife
  • Dislikes: Personal boundaries, Twitter.

Jeb Bush

  • Party: Republican
  • 2016 Status: Running
  • Former Job: Governor of Florida
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: He’s the other Bush
  • Likes: Guns, comatose people, guacamole
  • Dislikes: Unarmed teens, science.

Ben Carson

  • Party: Republican
  • 2016 Status: Running
  • Former Job: Neurosurgeon
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: Comparing Obamacare to slavery, Thinks prison turns people gay.
  • Likes: Fiction, lobotomies, hyperbole.
  • Dislikes: Speaking without his foot in his mouth, Orange is the New Black, nonslippery Slopes.

 Lincoln Chaffee

  • Party: Democrat
  • 2016 Status: Running
  • Former Job: Governor of Rhode Island
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Seriously jonesin’ for the metric system
  • Likes: Meters, unpopularity, fried chicken
  • Dislikes: Hippy hippy shake, unshod horses, the fact that his last name reminds people of chafing.

Chris Christie

  • Party: Republican
  • 2016 Status: Not running
  • Current Job: Governor of New Jersey
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Received 77 diet books from Dr. Oz and other weirdos
  • Likes: Measles, Philadelphia Eagles fans, Ebola quarantines
  • Dislikes: Bridges, chairs, reporters.

Hillary Clinton

  • Party: Democrat
  • 2016 Status: Running
  • Former Job: Secretary of State
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: Helping propel the careers of several Republican politicians
  • Likes: Joni Mitchell, liquor, Amy Poehler
  • Dislikes: Blue dresses, Internet trolls, email, words that end in ‘ghazi.

Ted Cruz

  • Party: Republican
  • 2016 Status: Running
  • Current Job: U.S. Senator from Texas
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: Can really hold his pee
  • Likes: Fake science, separation of powers, President Obama (without whom, he’d be nothing)
  • Dislikes: Avocados, maple syrup, idiots (unless they vote for him).

 Carly Fiorina

  • Party: Republican
  • 2016 Status: Running 
  • Current Job: Chairperson of Good360
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: 30,000 people lost their jobs under her management at HP
  • Likes: Outsourcing, Twitter, and George Stephanapolous’ dreamy and penetrating gaze
  • Dislikes: Dislikes demon sheep, Hillary Clinton and former HP employees.

Lindsey Graham

  • Party: Republican
  • 2016 Status: Running
  • Current Job: U.S. Senator from South Carolina
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Gave Senator Joni Ernst a welcome present of hog castration equipment
  • Likes: His bestie John McCain, his sister, stomping the Tea Party                
  • Dislikes: Tea Party, mornings, cooking, email.

Mike Huckabee               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Former Job: Governor of Arkansas                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Loves the Duggar                
  • Likes:  Beyoncé, grits, guns    
  • Dislikes:  Jay-Z, the 14 million Americans who live in the bubbles of New York, Los Angeles and Washington D.C.

Bobby Jindal               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Current Job: Governor of Louisiana                
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: Majoring in science but not believing in it at all
  • Likes: Exorcisms, Rudy Giuliani, assimilation
  • Dislikes: Belly buttons, facts, hyphens, apostrophes.

John Kasich               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Formed a PAC, sources say close to running                
  • Current Job: Governor of Ohio                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Throws a good tantrum
  • Likes: Name-dropping, golf, nonsensical segues
  • Dislikes: Politeness, consistency, other Republican governor telling him what to do.

Martin O’Malley               

  • Party: Democrat                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Former Job: Governor of Maryland                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Being data-driven and no one knowing who he is
  • Likes: The Wire, his band, Lucky Charms                
  • Dislikes: Climate deniers, decent soundbites, everyone forgetting he’s running.

Sarah Palin               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Not running                
  • Current Job: Reality TV star (Former Governor of Alaska for 2 years)                
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: Looks kinda like Tina Fey
  • Likes: Vladimir Putin, Duck Dynasty, real ‘Muricans                
  • Dislikes: Geography, complete sentences, death panels.

George Pataki               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Former Job: Governor of New York                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Not hating homosexuals
  • Likes: Earth, winning, AARP                
  • Dislikes: Wascally wabbits, being overshadowed by Giuliani, Dick Cheney.

Rand Paul               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Current Job: U.S. Senator from Kentucky                
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: People are obsessed with his dad
  • Likes: Ayn Rand, filibusters, the ganja                
  • Dislikes: Government, frizz, people talking shit about his pops.

Rick Perry               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Former Job: Governor of Texas                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Now wears intelligence-enhancing glasses
  • Likes: Forced vaccines, shooting things, Boy Scouts of America                
  • Dislikes: Thinking, speaking.

Marco Rubio               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Current Job: U.S. Senator from Florida                
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: Weirdest campaign logo so far
  • Likes: Nicki Minaj, telling women what to do with their vah-jay-jays, football                
  • Dislikes: Disco, thirst, New York Jets cheerleaders.

Bernie Sanders               

  • Party: Democrat                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Current Job: U.S. Senator from Vermont                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Most liberal candidate so far, looks like your old uncle after too many cocktails
  • Likes: Scandinavians, Pope Francis, brevity                
  • Dislikes: Wasting time, threats to privacy, pesky kids being all up on his lawn.

Rick Santorum               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Former Job: Governor of Pennsylvania                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Being someone whose name you shouldn’t Google at work
  • Likes: Anti-sodomy laws, Iowa, coal                
  • Dislikes: Pope Francis, science, birth control, people who immigrated to US after his grandfather.

Donald Trump               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Running                
  • Current Job: Entrepreneur, lunatic                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: Birther movement                
  • Likes: Escalators, nonsense, Oprah                
  • Dislikes: Mexico, China, all other countries except ‘Murica.

Scott Walker               

  • Party: Republican                
  • 2016 Status: Formed a PAC, said to be “testing the waters”                
  • Current Job: Governor of Wisconsin                
  • Old(ish) White Man: N
  • Known For: Kicking Wisconsin teachers’ unions in the hoo-hahs
  • Likes: Pointing his finger while winking, Scott Walker                
  • Dislikes: Minimum wage, the poors, unions.

Jim Webb               

  • Party: Democrat                
  • 2016 Status: Launched exploratory committee                
  • Former Job: U.S. Senator from Virginia, Secretary of the Navy                
  • Old(ish) White Man: Y
  • Known For: When he was serving in Vietnam, his current wife was a small girl about to be evacuated after the fall of Saigon
  • Likes: Having lots of different jobs, getting married (or possibly getting divorced)                
  • Dislikes: Wall Street, campaigns.

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Hat Tips:

On The Issues, The Atlantic, Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr



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