Presidential Wannabes: The 7th and Hopefully Final Edition
Presidential Wannabes: The 7th and Hopefully Final Edition
Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,16 June 2015
DEARSWEETBABYJESUS, deliver us from the never-ending presidential campaign season from hell! Pretty soon actual voters will be outnumbered by the army of asshats running or talking about running or talking about thinking about running for the 2016 Presidential election. Have they not seen the before and after pictures of everyone holding the office (except for Jimmy Carter)? This job will wreck you. Seriously, freakshows, think twice before you throw your tinfoil hats into the ring.
To re-familiarize you with the lineup, so far we’ve covered Bush, Webb, Graham, Walker, O’Malley, Huckabee, Jindal, Christie, Clinton, Carson, Paul, Biden, Cruz, Perry, Rubio, Sanders, Fiorina and Kasich. Most of them are unknown, don’t stand a chance, or are stone-cold nutjobs. As if they weren’t enough, we’ve got former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chaffee, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum and former New York Governor George Pataki. These three stand about as much chance of being elected President as I do of not losing the last vestiges of my sanity but let’s see what we got here anyway.
1. Lincoln Chafee. Chafee has served in major office not only as a Republican but also as a Democrat and an Independent. Sadly he doesn’t seem to be too popular with the electorate no matter what party he claims membership of; maybe he should think about that whole “Cocktail Party” ad campaign for Maker’s Mark featuring the awesomely terrifying James Carville.
No matter what his party affiliation, his positions on the issues have been largely consistent: pro on same-sex marriage, abortion rights, a higher minimum wage and higher taxes on the wealthy; opposed to the death penalty and oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. His other claim to “fame” is that he is a major fan of the metric system. So much so that he actually made it a part of his campaign launch. This would be impossible if he had remained a Republican because the Republican jellybean eating messiah, AKA Reagan, shot down that metric system nonsense over 30 years ago.
Chafee has never seemed to be afraid to stand against the tide of popular opinion. He was the only Republican in Congress to vote against the 2003 invasion of Iraq, he’s voted against his own party’s budget and proposed tax cuts. But that contrarian trait is unlikely to see him through the primary season, let alone the general.
Bottom line: Likes meters, unpopularity and fried chicken. Dislikes the hippy hippy shake, unshod horses, and the fact that his last name reminds people of chafing. Ranking on Goofy Name Meter: Just below Fuckabee and Christie-Christie. Object We’d Most Like to Smack Him With: a wild-caught salmon.
2. Rick Santorum. Relatively new to the 2016 field, Santorum has come out swinging…against the Pope. In what is a very bold move for a Catholic and a politician, Santorum has decided to go after probably the most globally popular pope ever. Being Pope, Santorum asserts, doesn’t give you credibility as a scientist (which is actually true) but being an unsuccessful politician for the past nine years apparently does (hmm…that doesn’t sound quite right). That’s why Santorum thinks the Pope should leave all the talk of climate change to the scientists (just the 3% who don’t believe global warming is caused by humans) and politicians. Unfortunately Santorum hasn’t done his homework because the pontiff actually was a chemist before joining the priesthood which gives him a holy buttload more credibility than being a Fox “News” commentator and ex-Senator.
At least he’s staying away from homosexuality this far which is a refreshing change from the criminally insane things he’s said in the past. He’s had some real zingers including blaming homosexuality for everything bad in modern day society and equating it to bestiality and pedophilia (so much so that Dan Savage famously changed the Interwebz definition of Santorum to one you should not Google at work). Unfortunately for him he hasn’t worked out a good way to describe Asians and he also is against any legalization of unauthorized immigrants. So far the only population he hasn’t alienated yet are pasty, middle aged white men and he’s got more than enough competition for their votes from the other bazillion candidates.
Bottom line: Likes Iowa, anti-sodomy laws, coal and Google. Dislikes the Pope, science, birth control and people who immigrated to this country after his grandfather. Object We’d most Like to Smack Him With: his own hand.
3. George Pataki. Pataki’s middle name is Elmer. That means if he were sworn in as President (which would happen about the same time as monkeys fly out of my ass) we would get to hear Justice Roberts giggle like a schoolgirl while doing an Elmer Fudd impression saying Pataki’s name on inauguration day.
What else is there to say about one of the bazillion white men running for President? He was the governor of New York during 9/11 which apparently means that because the state didn’t turn into a lawless, apocalyptic hellscape, he would be a foreign policy wizard in the White House. Another way he’s distinguished himself from the others in the pack, he isn’t a total dickhead to the LGBT community. And he doesn’t seem to want to immediately overturn Roe v. Wade. And has supported some gun control and he’s probably the most liberal in terms of climate change and the environment in general. So you know he has absolutely no chance of surviving the primaries.
Bottom line: Likes the Earth, winning (he’s never lost an election), and AARP. Dislikes wascally wabbits, being overshadowed by Giuliani, and Dick Cheney. Ranking on the “Looks Like He Suffers from Severe Gastrointestinal Distress” scale: Less than Graham, more than Walker. Object We’d Most Like to Smack Him With: The ferrets that make up Donald Trump’s toupee.