Dammit Mike

Dammit Mike

Corey WilsonTuesday,16 June 2015

Oh, Mike. Oh, dear sweet Mike, you’re stupidity is truly infinite—which is perhaps the reason I find it so hard to fathom. But I didn’t need to hear you today, Mike. I thought I was going to enjoy the sunlight pretending people who share your opinions don’t exist; I thought I’d get to write instead about these super neat glowing things on the dwarf planet Ceres—maybe even speculate that they’re some sort of extraterrestrial glowbugs being bread by the government for a domestic takeover and mend my relationship with Alex Jones. But no, of course not. You’re always there, always ready to say something stupid about liberals, or homosexuals, or in this case transgender people. So here we go…

At first, Mike’s comments don’t seem hostile, or even bigoted. At first I chuckled, and figured his old-timey brain just didn’t realize that it wasn’t cool to say something like that. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity, right? Here’s what he said:

“Now I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would’ve found my feminine side and said, “Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.”

See? Just stupid. I almost moved onto the next article, but I figured with Mike’s history that there was bound to be some more gold at the bottom of this river.

It quickly turned ugly.

“For those who do not think that we are under threat, simply recognize that the fact that we are now in city after city watching ordinances say that your 7-year-old daughter, if she goes into the restroom cannot be offended and you can’t be offended if she’s greeted there by a 42-year-old man who feels more like a woman than he does a man.”

And there we see the crutch of every argument Mike tries to make: “we are under threat.” We’ve seen it before; I’ve fucking written about it before, and we’re seeing it again. Unfortunately for you, Mike, we’re not under threat. Homosexuals aren’t trying to burn every church to the ground, and transgender people aren’t trying to molest your daughter in the bathroom. They just want to fucking pee, man.

I’m starting to wonder if your life is just really boring. Maybe you need to drum up all this fear because there isn’t much else going on at the Huckabee family… ranch… or whatever.

You see, Mike, the real issue here is that if you’re so worried about rogue transgender people in the bathrooms, why aren’t you worried about psychos getting their hands on guns? You’ve said that the Second Amendment is an issue of freedom. If we should be worried about the threat of transgender people “greeting” our children in the bathrooms of America, why aren’t we worried about rogue madmen shooting up malls, or rogue pilots crashing planes into mountains? Should we stop using planes, Mike?

Never ever will we be able to stop the individual from committing horrific acts. Unfortunately that’s just the way it is; there will always be that one asshole. But if you’re so certain that every American should be given the right to wield a gun in the name of freedom, then you’d better at least be in favour of giving every transgender American the right to fucking pee (in the name of freedom).

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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