Women and Math

Women and Math

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,22 May 2015

Today we’re going to talk about how Fifty Shades of Grey has driven me over the edge. For us to delve into this topic, you must first concede some basic points:

* The books in this trilogy were truly terrible. As was the only movie from the series that has already been released.

* People – mainly women – read the books and watched the movie anyway.

* Sadly I was one of those women.

But it wasn’t the terribleness of the books or movie that has driven me over the edge. It was hearing the lists of actresses rumored to be in the running to play the role of Elena in the sequel to the festival of crap that was the first movie. Elena, friend of Christian Grey’s mother, became his dominant when he was 15 years old. Elena is referred to by the ingénue, Anastasia Steele, as “Mrs. Robinson” (hold on for a second, I have to take a medicinal sip of wine to get through even just the names of these asshat characters). Anyway, Elena is supposed to be this blonde bombshell who is still very attractive despite being Christian’s mom’s age.

Now it’s time for the math:

1. Christian Grey is supposed to be 27 years old when the book/movie is taking place. He becomes the dominant to Anastasia, who is supposed to be 22. The actor who plays Grey is Jamie Dornan, who is 33. The actress who plays Anastasia is Dakota Johnson, who is 25.

2. The character of Christian was 15 when his affair with Elena started. That means it was 12 years before the present-day setting of the movie (27-15=12).

3. The ages of Christian’s mother, Dr. Grace Trevelyan Gray, and ex-dom, Elena Lincoln, are never stated but the actress who played Grace in the first movie is Marcia Gay Harden, who is 55 years old. So you’d expect Elena Lincoln to be around the same age, right? That would mean good candidates to play her would be in their 50’s. Actresses in their 50’s who would meet the blonde bombshell-ish criteria include Michelle Pfeiffer, Kim Cattrall, Sharon Stone, Heather Locklear and Melanie Griffith (which would be fantastically awkward since Griffith is the real-life mother of Dakota Johnson).

3. Fifty’s fans on the Interwebz, along with several entertainment reporters who make me want to bathe my eyeballs in bleach, really want Charlize Theron to play Elena. Theron is 39. 39 is less than 55 by 16 years. Other actresses who the audience – remember this is mainly women – think would be good as Elena are all in their mid-40’s or younger.

4. If Charlize Theron were to play Elena, then when her affair with Christian started, she would have been 27 (39-12=27). His mother would also have been around 27 years old which would mean she had already finished medical school and been married when she adopted 4-year-old Christian when she was 16 years old (27-15+4=16). That is ridic.

I’m not looking for realism when I read or watch Fifty Shades. But I, like many of the people watching this crap, am a woman. So why do women think an older, attractive actress should be no older than 40? When did we start buying into the asinine idea that women only exist as little girls, hot teenagers, 20-somethings looking to party, young wives/moms, and Betty White? Wasn’t it supposed to be only sexist and ageist men who thought that? And why the hell are we reading and watching this pile of soft-core poo anyway? Seriously, were we brain-washed?


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