The Final Battle

The Final Battle

Corey WilsonThursday,14 May 2015

Some people are stupid. That’s science. There won’t ever be no stupid people; stupidity is the fifth fundamental force of the universe after: gravity, the strong nuclear force, the weak nuclear force, and… that other one. You see, people often search for the solution to the world’s ignorance, but there isn’t one; if we were to deplete the fifth fundamental force, the universe would collapse in on itself. The only thing we can do is laugh at them. Unless… that is the solution.

I present to you: Ben Carson. I know I’ve already written about other Republican presidential candidates, but consider them as petty bosses that I used to ready you to face the dumbest of the dumbass bosses—the “Alpha Ass” if you will. For there is no weapon, however fictitious, that would stop the terror that this corrupted Galadriel would reign down upon our free kingdoms.

Surprisingly, Ben Carson may be the most controversial presidential hopeful this election. His aptitude for saying incredibly stupid things has become somewhat of a calling card, and should, once Jon Stewart leaves the Daily Show in August, provide his replacement with some easy material. It’s gotten so bad, that instead of ridiculing a single remark—like I did with Huckabee—the only option is to lambast them all.

Homosexuality, as many of you may have guessed, is a hot, sweaty topic for Carson. Let’s start there.

It’s clear that some GOP candidates are not “hip to the scene” when it comes to science; that’s why Señor Cruz thinks that there’s been “zero global warming in 17 years.” Which is like asking your drug dealer for “two marijuana please.” So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that, when asked whether or not being gay was a choice, Ben Carson said “absolutely.” But remain seated; it gets stupider. As evidence for his assertion Carson said, “Because a lot of people who go into prison, go into prison straight—and when they come out they’re gay.”

Except that’s not true. Prison isn’t a fucking orgy, Carson. Same sex intercourse in prison is what’s known as “circumstantial homosexuality” and more often than not isn’t consensual; it’s rape—which is about power, and a lack of the desired reproductive organ.

Carson also doesn’t believe in evolution—for those unfamiliar with the theory, you may know it by its other moniker “evil-ution.” Surprisingly though, he did not reject natural selection. He “totally believe[s]” that beneficial mutations are more likely to be passed on. Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand how those minor changes, compounding over thousands years, leads to divergent species. In regards to the human eye he said, “Give me a break. According to their scheme—boom, it had to occur overnight.”

No. And that’s the only proof you need to realize that this man has no fucking clue what he’s arguing against. The evolution of species happened over millions of years—the opposite of overnight. That’s what evolution is: small changes accumulating over a long time. What creationists believe must have “boom, happened overnight.”

Even when he’s right he’s wrong. When asked about global warming, he said “We need to focus on the right thing here. Our environmental Protection Agency should be told to work in conjunction with business, industry, and universities to find the most eco-friendly ways of developing our energy resources.”

Fuckin’ right, Benny. It’s just too bad that you also said, “You can ask [me whether or not global warming is occurring] several different ways, but my answer is going to be the same: we may be warming; we may be cooling.”

Fuck! No, Carson. You’re running for president; you may very well be in charge of people and things. You can’t not know this.

It gets better though; there’s a pot of gold at the end of this shit-bow. Because the most hilariously ironic part about his whole campaign, is that he said his candidacy was for anyone “with common sense.”

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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