Presidential Wannabes Part VI: Make it Stop

Presidential Wannabes Part VI: Make it Stop

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,5 May 2015

Lest we forget in a moment of blissful amnesia, we are still stuck in the longest beginning to a presidential campaign season ever in the history of time. It would be hard to whip up any enthusiasm except the number of female candidates has doubled! The be-uterused among us make up over 50% of the population and about 11% of our likely presidential candidates — sounds about right. And we have the formal, long-awaited announcement of a real live African-American republican. It’s like a United Colors of Benneton ad if those things were made up almost entirely of pasty old men.

We’ve already covered the following candidates/potential candidates: Bush, Webb, Graham,  Walker, O’Malley, Huckabee, Jindal, Christie, Clinton, Carson, Paul, Biden, Cruz, Perry, and Rubio. Now we’re taking it up to an even 18 with Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, former exec Carly Fiorina, and Ohio Governor John Kasich.

1. Bernie Sanders. He may remind you of your crazy Uncle Milton after a few too many 7 and 7s, but don’t underestimate Senator Sanders (pictured below) or he will come at you like a goddam spider monkey. We find his “too busy to campaign” schtick totes adorbs and just love that he always looks like he’s come through a wind tunnel. However, let’s dig a little deeper and learn about the would-be challenger to the Clinton juggernaut.

Bernie Sanders

He was active in the Civil Rights movement of the 1950s and 1960s and has survived Vermont’s crusty political scene for 25 years. While he is generally anti-war, he considers himself pro-veteran — working to add $50 billion in spending on veterans’ health programs. You can call him a socialist and he will wear that badge with pride.

It is sort of refreshing to see a Democrat unafraid of seeming too liberal. And right off the bat he is talking about the issues he wants to engage Secretary Clinton on, namely trade, inequality, tax avoidance by the rich, and climate change. He is a bit up there in years (73) but his older brother is running for political office in the UK so these Sanders boys are late bloomers. But if he needs to, Bernie has several careers to fall back on including filmmaker, writer, carpenter and recording artist. And that’s good because though he actually has some workable, progressive ideas he stands about as much chance in beating Hillary Clinton as I do to coming out of this campaign season with my sanity and liver intact.

Bottom line: Likes Scandinavians, the Pope, and brevity. Dislikes wasting time, threats to privacy, and pesky kids being all up on his lawn. PAC: Progressive Voters of America.

2. Carly Fiorina. Decidedly not a politician, Fiorina is best known for being a favorite boss at HP and making fun of Hillary Clinton in a totally new and different way at CPAC. Except, it actually looks like she was ousted from HP and that the reason she couldn’t get the “Carly Fiorina” domain name was because someone else got it first to show a sad emoticon for each person who lost their jobs under Fiorina’s management (30,000).

The thing that sets her apart from the rest of the Republican pool is of course her lady parts. We’d say it was her inexperience on the political scene but Ben Carson is fighting to lay claim to the title of least experienced candidate of all. Also, she’s loaded so she doesn’t really need to kiss ass to raise those campaign dolla-bills which is kind of fun. She could bring a unique view to healthcare as someone who went through a double mastectomy to survive breast cancer but she’s also way anti-abortion, opposes same-sex marriage, and shares Crazy Eyes Bachman’s loathing of anything to do with engaging Iran.

Bottom line: Likes outsourcing, Twitter, and George Stephanapolous’ dreamy and penetrating gaze. Dislikes demon sheep, Hillary Clinton and former HP employees. PAC: Carly For America

3. John Kasich. Did you know Ohio had a governor who thinks the chances of him running for President in 2016 looked “pretty good”? Me neither. But it turns out John Kasich has some serious political chops and by some accounts, managed to turn an $8 billion budget deficit into a $2 billion budget surplus. However, he has signed on to some positions that are so anathematic to conservatives that there is no way he could survive a primary outside his home state. He took the Medicaid expansion under the Affordable Care Act, doesn’t loathe the Common Core, wants a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, and even supported an assault-weapons ban once upon a time.

He is considered by some to be a jerk and by others to be folksily upfront, and he tends to ramble which is not my favorite trait in a politician. But he is not afraid to throw a full-on adult tantrum which could prove hilarious along the campaign trail. For example, he is more than happy to just blatantly ignore stuff that pisses him off, like the fact that other candidates can run against him or journalists asking about how he can be in favor of allowing abortion in cases of rape or incest while at the same time supporting legislation to prevent rape crisis counselors from telling victims that one of their options could be abortion.

Bottom line: Likes name-dropping, golf, and nonsensical segues. Dislikes being polite, consistency, and other Republican governors telling him what to do. PAC: New Day for America


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Hat Tips:

PoliticoNew York TimesThe WeekDaily SignalNPRWashington PostJezebelWall Street JournalCNNThe AtlanticWonkette, Carly Fiorina Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr, Bernie Sanders Image Credit: AFGE on Flickr

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