Dope Pope

Dope Pope

Corey WilsonWednesday,29 April 2015

So it snowed on my girlfriend’s birthday. I’m in the bedroom writing this article because she won’t stop throwing things. This seems to have been her tipping point; I’ve never heard her swear in my life, but between shattering glass, and the sound of drywall cracking under fist, she shouts (I’ve censored her for your sake), “Gosh darn climate change! It’s the end of beautiful April! Look what we’ve done, fellow humans!”

It seems that each year the space that separates summer and winter shrinks (“seasons” I think they called them), and each year I continue to do nothing about it. But if you’re anything like me (lazy), you’re in luck because there are a shit ton of other people who are not only doing nothing, but actively speaking out the painfully obvious changes to our dear Gaia.

The Heartland Institute, a conservative think tank hailing from Seriously-stop-shooting-each-other, Illinois, has spent the entirety of its life shitting on good science in the name of receiving corporate donations. Recently, in a surprisingly not surprising turn of events, The Dope Pope Francis is planning to call a Crusade on climate change. But unfortunately, as the Vatican takes one giant step forward, retards at the Doucheland Institute from No-seriously-though-stop-now, Illinois, have sent a “team” of “climate scientists” to Rome to “inform Pope Francis of the truth about climate science.”

“Though Pope Francis’s heart is surely in the right place, he would do his flock and the world a disservice by putting his moral authority behind the United Nations’ unscientific agenda on the climate,” said Joseph ‘I’m so mad at you right now’ Bast, Doucheland’s president.

It’s important to note before we continue that a survey examining 11944 climate change abstracts ranging from 1991-2011 found that 97.1 percent of those abstracts that expressed a position on global warming accepted that humans are causing it. It’s really not even a discussion anymore.

Doucheland Institute begs to differ, however, and they’re willing to sink to absolutely disgusting levels to unveil the “truth” about climate science.

“[The world’s poor would] suffer horribly if reliable energy—the engine of prosperity and a better life—is made more expensive and less reliable by the decree of global planners.”

That would be a cute sentiment if it weren’t for Doucheland’s asinine stance on Tobacco and its effect on humans—especially those living in poverty.

Doucheland spend most of the 1990’s with Tobacco company Philip Morris, and lobbying against the science that was trying to save lungs and lives. In 1996 they published the so annoying stupid essay entitled “Joe Camel is Innocent!” (I think the most annoying part is that self-aggrandizing exclamation mark at the end—you’re not funny.)

Maybe they were just confused; the negative impact on human health caused by Tobacco was new in the ‘90s.

Maybe, but it sure as fuck wasn’t in 2006 when they published Please Don’t Poop in My Salad: And Other Essays Against the War on Smoking. Yeah, they did actually say “the War on Smoking.”

But the negative affect of tobacco on the poverty stricken is well documented. So maybe they don’t really give a fuck about the poor. If they did, you’d assume that they’d know and comment on things like Hungry for tobacco: an analysis of the economic impact of tobacco consumption on the poor in Bangladesh. A study that found “tobacco expenditures exacerbate the effects of poverty and cause significant deterioration in living standards among the poor.”

It’s too bad though about all those smelly, tobacco-addicted poor people. If only they were huge corporations willing to donate large sums of money to shitty organizations that hide their fucking donors, maybe then Doucheland would stand up for them.

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