Corey WilsonThursday,2 April 2015

Fucking Canada has always been known as America’s polite, little brother. It pisses some Canadians right the fuck off because no one likes being the little brother. In all honesty though, it’s a pretty fucking accurate statement. We love boobs, and beer, and sports that cause fucking concussions. But most of all, we love our fucking freedom. Well, all of us except those communist fuckers in Taber, Alberta.

The town council in the tiny-as-fuck town of Taber (which you haven’t heard of because more people showed up for Atlanta Thrashers’ games than live in the town), recently outlawed fucking swearing. The first offence is a whopping $150.00 Canadian (seven or eight American dollars), and the second is a butt-puckering $250.00. Oh, and let’s not forget to mention that you’ll get a FINE FOR FUCKING YELLING OR SCREAMING IN PUBLIC.

How is this possible? That’s a breach of our constitutional rights—free speech, bitch asses. Well, the Taber Police Service addressed that.

“Some in social media have questioned whether this bylaw is constitutional,” said Insp. Graham Abela. “We as a police service enforce many different laws. I can tell you under no uncertain terms if the police service believes a law is unconstitutional, we will not enforce that law.”

Sorry, my man, Graham. But just because your police service doesn’t believe it’s unconstitutional, doesn’t mean it fucking isn’t.

Lisa Lambert, an instructor in political science at the University of Calgary has said that The Community Standards Bylaw, as it is known, is “clearly unconstitutional.” She went on to say that there’s “just no way” it would stand up to a Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms challenge.

But other than being a potential violation, how does this affect residents on a daily basis? What if I trip, fall, and blurt out “FACK?” Well don’t get too concerned because Abela addressed that.

“If our previous enforcement behaviour is indicative of our future enforcement behaviour, you can see how we deal with bylaw issues is with very little obligatory enforcement.”

So, you’re saying that police officers will be able to hand out tickets selectively? If, for example, I’m walking down the street and tell the old lady who’s selling cookies at her now illegal panhandling establishment (known to many as “bake sales”) that her pastries are “Way too fucking expensive, bitch.” Your officers will totally ticket me for swearing, but if I then turned, dropped my $11.00 “gourmet cookie,” and cursed about it, you wouldn’t ticket me. It all comes down to some common sense is what you’re saying.

“It’s just like every other tool,” Mayor Henk De Vlieger (that doesn’t sound Canadian to me, bub) said. “You can use it and abuse it. A hammer I can use to pound a nail, which it is intended for, or it can kick in your brains.”

Interesting. It’s a good fucking thing that 1. The internet isn’t policed by the Taber Police Service since I’d have racked up $3900.00 in fines, and 2. That police have never ever been found to abuse their authority to write tickets.

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