Presidential Wannabes Part V: Is It Too Late To Return to the Monarchy?

Presidential Wannabes Part V: Is It Too Late To Return to the Monarchy?

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,30 March 2015

When we recently heard pundits describing Senator Ted Cruz’s recent announcement as the start of the 2016 Presidential election campaign season, we threw up a little bit in our own mouths. Not because of Senator Cruz (well, not entirely because of him) but because it feels like the 2016 election campaign season has been underway since President Obama’s second inauguration in January 2013. We’re only surprised the asshats who know they don’t stand a chance in 2016 haven’t already started talking about 2020.

But since the country is still like 590ish days until the damn election, we decided to get back on the horse and take on the next three Presidential hopefuls.  So far we’ve covered Bush, Webb, Graham,  Walker, O’Malley, Huckabee, Jindal, Christie, Clinton, Carson, Paul, and Biden. In this issue we’ll profile Texas Senator Ted Cruz, former Texas Governor Rick Perry, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio.

1. Ted Cruz. Ted, we’ve been enchanted with your excellent adventures since you first started firing from your legislative hip in 2013. Granted, the sound of your voice often made us cringe but we’ve brushed that aside to learn a little bit more about the man behind the swagger. First of all, though he may have won prizes in jackassery he is far from a dumbass. The man is actually brilliant; undergrad at Princeton, law school at Harvard, first Hispanic Solicitor General in the country, he clerked for a goddam Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, and has even argued a case in front of the Supremes.

Furthermore, he’s consistent, which in a profession better known for waffling than actual waffle-makers is saying something. He is obsessed with the U.S. Constitution and though we vehemently disagree with most of his reading of the document we can’t deny that he is extremely literate on the subject.

But… then we look at his chairmanship of the Senate Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness and we see that he’s pretty moronic when it comes to science. If climate change denying was an Olympic sport, he’d be golden. He also loves local government except when it comes to the local government of Washington, D.C. being allowed to choose so much as their favorite pizza toppings. He’s the asshat responsible for the 2013 shutdown of the federal government, vehemently opposes same-sex marriage, wants to abolish the IRS, would almost certainly do scary-ass things to Roe v. Wade, is anti-birth control, vivisects any chance at immigration reform, totally resistant to anything looking like compromise, and thinks of Jesse Helms as a role model.

Bottom line: Likes fake science, separation of powers and President Obama (without whom, he would be nothing). Dislikes avocados, maple syrup and idiots (unless they vote for him). Political celebrity dream date: James Madison (if homosexuality wouldn’t send him into everlasting damnation). PAC: Jobs Growth and Freedom Fund.

2. Rick Perry.  If Perry were to join his fellow Texan in the race for 2016, it could mean a high-noon type showdown in the Texas primary. Except we keep reading about how actual Texans who have been governed by both really don’t like the idea of either being President. But let’s focus on Rick for a bit.

We’ve talked at length about his way with the English language. It’s similar to how I have a way with home repair and my mother has a way with grasping the concept of the Internet; it’s not very functional but dear lord does it lead to some hilarious results.

Perry did manage to hold onto governorship of the state/empire of Texas for an amazing 14 years and 95 days. He actually has a Concealed Carry permit and earned an A+ rating by the NRA so you know he’s good people (by which of course we mean terrible). He’s also an Eagle Scout and could do ads for Crest whitening strips. He’s got the Presidential looks if not the Presidential voice.

He may soon enter the storied history of felonious elected officials as he’s currently indicted on two charges of felony abuse of power. You can even support his campaign by buying a t-shirt with his mug shot on it — no, we are not kidding. God bless America?

Bottom line: Likes forced vaccines, smart-looking glasses and shooting things. Dislikes thinking and speaking. Political Celebrity Dream Date: Al Gore. PAC: RickPAC.

3. Marco Rubio. He is the only potential Republican candidate thus far that doesn’t make us feel like we’re about to have an embolism so that means he stands almost no chance of winning the primaries. Some of the time he has actually attempted to govern while he’s in Congress, including (GASP!) joining with Democrats on co-sponsored bills like immigration reform and foreign aid. He was against the sequestration and fiscal cliff (drink!) kerfuffle and has said it is possible to disagree with President Obama without questioning the President’s patriotism or right to exist as a human being.

Unfortunately, he is on the record as supporting a number of wackobird positions shared by his fellow Cuban-American colleague in the Senate, Ted Cruz. Rubio voted against the Violence Against Women Act, would also do terrible things to Roe v. Wade, is opposed to same-sex marriage, against legalization of Maryjane and questions the scientific understanding of climate change. However, he has only maintained a B+ rating from the NRA which for a Republican in a “stand your ground” state is pretty piss poor.

Bottom line: Likes Nicki Minaj, telling women what to do with our vah-jay-jays and the football. Dislikes disco, being thirsty and New York Jets cheerleaders. Political Celebrity Dream Date: Bibi. PAC: Reclaim America


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Hat Tips:

New YorkerFactCheck.orgSlateWashington PostStar-TelegramHuffington PostCNNThe AtlanticOpen SecretsPoliticoThink Progress, Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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