POTUS Wannabes Part IV: Physician, Heal Thyself!

POTUS Wannabes Part IV: Physician, Heal Thyself!

Adrienne BoettingerWednesday,18 March 2015

Pretty pretty please, is the 2016 election over yet?!? Between email-a-palooza with Secretary Clinton and Lindsey Graham and the Congressional tug-of-war over who can destroy diplomatic negotiations with Iran the fastest, pretty much every breaking news story is told in terms of what it means to presumed/assumed candidates for President in 2016. This reminded us that we’ve only covered 9 potentials thus far: Bush, Webb, Graham,  Walker, O’Malley, Huckabee, Jindal, Christie and Clinton. We really feel we need to analyze three more to get a full dozen before we give up and run screaming into the night until we reach Canada. So gird your loins, you poor, hapless voters, here come former neurosurgeon Ben Carson, Senator Rand Paul and Vice President Joe Biden.

1. Ben Carson. When the GOP actually puts forward a candidate that isn’t a middle-aged or old white man, I want to give him a chance. Hell, the man lives and used to work in Maryland so he has to be good people, right? Or maybe not? Actually Carson would make a fascinating study of how smart people become so incredibly stupid that you’re amazed they don’t walk around with their pants on their heads and their shirts on their asses.

Prior to throwing his tin-foil hat into the ring, Ben Carson literally saved people’s lives. You can’t really say that about many candidates for Prez or politicians in general. He grew up poor in Detroit, worked hard with the support of his single mother to get an education and became a world-renowned pediatric neurosurgeon. I have met and spoken with some of Dr. Carson’s former patients and they adore him; some of their parents almost revere him as a saint. One mother had tears in her eyes as she described how her daughter wouldn’t be alive today were it not for the gifted hands of Dr. Ben Carson.

So how in the hell did he lose his damn mind and seemingly tens of IQ points in his bid for political glory? At his famed political debut at the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, he brought up the tried and true Obamacare Death Panels and the flat-tax as a means of tithing. A few months later he said that Obamacare was the worst thing to befall the nation since slavery. SLAVERY. More recently he posited that homosexuality is a choice because straight people go into prison and then come out all gay and stuff, the United States has become like Nazi Germany, and the legalization of same-sex marriage will lead to bestiality.

For those worried that as he gets closer to declaring and assembling a professional campaign staff, we’ll miss out on some seriously crazytrain statements, fear not. One of the asshats on his exploratory team has been outed by Buzzfeed for operating an anonymous Twitter account where he said President Obama was a “dipshit” and told him to “bend over bitch.”

Bottom line: Likes fiction, lobotomies and hyperbole. Dislikes speaking without his foot in his mouth, Orange is the New Black and nonslippery slopes. PAC: USA First (PLUS the Draft Ben Carson Super PAC)

2. Rand Paul. He has a bizarre-o name and his father is straight up wackadoodle so it’s easy to see where Rand Paul would go wrong. Here’s another wannabe who went from having a respectable job as a physician (seriously the man helped provide eye exams and surgery for people who couldn’t afford to pay) to being another damn politician. How did he get from respected ophthalmologist to being one of the three asshat presidential hopefuls who signed freshman Senator Tom Cotton’s letter to Iranian leaders offering to school them in the ways of democracy (Senators who stay in power for decades have way more power than fake Muslim Presidents born in Kenya who can only serve two terms)? You’d expect a little more from the man who bears a striking resemblance to The Greatest American Hero.

Between pandering to the anti-vaxxers, telling panicked voters that Ebola is “easy to catch,” and subscribing to Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge, it’s hard to picture Senator Paul as being in favor of immigration reform, the legalization of marijuana, and reforming a criminal justice system he says is unfair and un-American in its treatment of African Americans. He’s complex. And that’s why he will have a tough time making it through the “who can be the rightest of the right-wings” competition that is the primary election season.

Bottom line: Likes Ayn Rand, filibusters and the ganja. Dislikes the government, frizz and people taking shit about his pops. PAC: RandPAC

3. Joe Biden. We’ve already talked about two democratic contenders who are an afterthought to HRC, but what about Joe? It seems unusual to dismiss a sitting VP as a POTUS contender unless he is a flesh-eating cyborg like Dick Cheney. And now with Hillary Clinton’s email non-scandal being fodder for the Congressional committees trying to derail her pre-campaign, we’re starting to hear calls to draft VP Biden into running for the Oval.

VP Biden served in the Senate for 36 years and only gave people the heebie jeebies with his over-familiarity for some of that time. That plus two terms as VP means he’s got street cred in terms of experience. And he has fought for and made some strides on issues typically popular with the Democratic base like violence against women, gun control and education. Most recently he helped federal efforts to clear backlogs of untested rape kits to bring justice for untold numbers of victims. He’s also been visible in terms of foreign policy efforts, particularly when it comes to Ukraine and Iraq.

But then he opens his mouth to speak. If you’re not blinded by the brilliance of his pearly whites, you may be blindsided by his ability to say (or do) precisely the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Prime examples include suggesting HRC would have made a better VP candidate than himself in a campaign speech, encouraging a wheelchair-bound state senator to stand up so the crowd could see him, describing healthcare reform as “a big fucking deal” and creepily massaging the shoulders of the wife of Secretary of Defense Ash Carter.

Bottom line: Likes dental hygiene, saying whatever comes to mind whenever it pops into his head, and his kickass wife. Dislikes personal boundaries and Twitter. PAC: nope


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Hat Tips:

New York TimesBuzzfeedWashington PostWall Street JournalPolitifactThe Fiscal TimesHuffington PostYahooNew YorkerTimeGawkerCNN, Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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