Weird Jobs and More
Lauren PesinMonday,16 March 2015
Cow Fart Smeller
Body Farm Collector
These are all real jobs, namely disturbing and odd jobs involving the smelling, eating, or picking of grotesque things. These made me ponder jobs that may not exist now, but we have a need for.
Consequently, throughout the week I sought out such opportunities finding the major needs mostly fell under the category of appropriateness, followed by cleanliness.
Job #1: The Reconsider Monitors – specifically targeting weight challenged, odoriferous or slutty professional types. To avoid offending people to their face you hire someone to observe your workplace for two weeks. They make note of inappropriate attire and behavior, such as extremely large persons who choose not to wear t-shirts and allow their belly to in all its naked girth fall below their ill fitted shirt or perhaps the young and hip twenty-something who wears fishnet stalkings, red stiletto boots, and a leopard print cat suit to an otherwise conservative workplace. Maybe you have a stinky contingent that wears too much perfume or cologne or employees who forget to bathe filling up the halls with pungent and offensive odor. These monitors then publish their findings with photos in a Things You Should Reconsider Newsletter providing guidance and specific behavior to avoid in the workplace.
Job #2: The Appropriate Police – much like mall security they would be charged with observing activity, interjecting when needed. The Appropriate Police would discourage people from committing publicly inappropriate actions. For example, the last time I was at the mall I, along with many others, witnessed a 9-year-old girl straddle a hand railing and proceeded to hump said railing. More than five minutes passed and still no parent was in sight. Several patrons passed by making the WTF face. First, let me say that children are not to blame. I blame the parents for not stopping said violations. The Appropriate Police would step in at that point to intercede. Fifteen minutes later a pants-less 3-year old lying in the middle of the hall, hands down his pants, loudly yelling “BUBBLES” over and over again. Naturally, no parents were addressing the situation. The Appropriate Police could have spoken to the parents.
People sporting underwear outside their clothing, plastic shopping bag head-wear, and a myriad of inappropriate ass crack reveals…for all our sakes someone should step in and stop the madness. Barring the heavily intoxicated, spring breakers or Wal-Mart shoppers can we please, for the love of socks, make grocery stores and shopping malls a little less offensive to the eyes and senses?
If money and time were not a consideration, I myself would also like to see a bit more attention on pointing out the rude and unkempt.
The following jobs would help.
Talker-Text Checkers (Movie Theater) – not just the usher who walks into the theater once or twice with their glowing flashlight but people who specifically monitor for and immediately remove rude texting or talking violators from theater.
Stairwell Urine/Vomit Cleaners – the corners and stairwells in public garages, particularly in big cities are always marred by puke or urine that stinks up the small spaces. Someone needs to stay on top of that. Particularly for the sake of all the little kids who are just trying to go to the aquarium. They don’t need to be confronted with the stench of urine and the stickiness of who knows what on their Stride Rites.
These are just a few suggestions. Can you think of any more needed jobs?