Spicing Up 50 Shades of Grey

Spicing Up 50 Shades of Grey

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,3 March 2015

When the words most often used to describe both the movie and book, 50 Shades of Grey, are ‘boring’ and ‘meh’, you really gotta start to worry. It was about beyond the pale sex of the bondage-discipline-sadomasochism variety. It was supposed to shock and titillate us tired, timid suburbanites and first-world-problem-havers. But sit through the movie–or even worse read the book–and your reaction is more than likely going to be some variation of “huh.”

Our senses been deadened by our easy access to online porn, real world violence and constant answering of all life’s problems and mysteries by the omniscient Google. Nothing shocks us. Nothing excites us. We’re like one huge group of ironic hipsters who are so over everything.

Well, not on my watch, you complacent bastards.

Jamie Dornan may be hot enough to be one of my pretend boyfriends and Dakota Johnson may have made the protagonist’s character less annoying than she was in the book but here are some genius ideas of how to really make this movie sizzle:

1. Sabado Gigante! No, I’m not talking about showing more to Mr. Grey’s endowments than just his donations to Ana’s university; I’m talking about making 50 Shades Telemundo style. Everything sounds sexier in Spanish. Or at least it would take some people longer to cringe when hearing phrases like: “You’re here because I’m incapable of leaving you alone.”

2. Zombies. It turns out bondage and kinky fuckery is pretty damn boring. You know what isn’t boring? Zombies. Maybe in between bouts of fun in ye olde red room of pain, they could fight off some zombies. Or whatever the thing is that’s gonna replace zombies. Politicians with unlimited campaign money making never-ending ads that they beam directly into our brains. Giant birds with pointy beaks, maniacally trying to poke out everyone’s eyes. Whatever. Just something terrifying and unexpected.

3. Product Placement. One of the most shocking things about the 50 Shades phenomenon –other than the fact that even though it was so terrible I still read all three books and sat through the movie–had nothing to do with the actual content. It was hearing that stores like Target were stocking 50 Shades themed lube, oils handcuffs, blindfolds and even a vibrating love ring right next to things like deodorant and toothbrushes. So maybe when Ana and Christian are getting down with their bad selves we could see that the riding crop they used was the same featured at the Kentucky Derby. Or the wine Christian poured in Ana’s belly button was the same that Kathie Lee and Hoda crushed with their very own feet on the Today Show.

4. Free drinks! What do you do when a situation veers between highly awkward and deadly dull? Add festive beverages, of course! Having recently attended my first and hopefully last strip club ever (as featured in Lauren’s post here), the experience was made way more awesome by my being extremely intoxicated. What would have been sad and anxiety producing was made hilarious by the ridiculous amount of drinks I imbibed. I serenaded a fish, befriended a toothless Iraqi who smoked menthol cigarettes, assured a young man humping my leg that he was a beautiful person on the inside, and somehow came home with a purse full of mints, a Rubik’s cube, and a bunch of pens from a bail bondsman. Had I been sober I would have probably have been rocking back and forth in the fetal position before the first dancer even finished. Get the audience/readers of 50 Shades a few sheets to the wind and then the magic will really happen.


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