Part III of Who Wants To Be a President?

Part III of Who Wants To Be a President?

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,23 February 2015

Although the 2016 U.S. Presidential election is still a buttload of weeks in the future, TSD has been toiling away to give you the low-down on the few people who have actually made progress in declaring their candidacy and the rest of the jokers we think are gonna run. We covered Bush, Webb, Graham, Walker, O’Malley and Huckabee in our first two installments. This week, we’re taking a look at Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

1. Bobby Jindal. What can we say about a man who chose his own name based on his love of a character on The Brady Bunch? Here’s a story of a man named Bobby who is thinking of moving into the White House. He does add a touch of color to the likely GOP presidential field. Then again, he doesn’t just refuse to identify with his own cultural background; he discourages others from doing so. We’re all ‘Murican; none of that hyphenated Indian-American mumbo jumbo for good ol’ Bobby.

Here is a man that could be the Great Brown Hope for a GOP facing the harsh reality that the Caucasian majority is shrinking faster than the amount of time Congress has to fix the budget issues before the Department of Homeland Security shuts down. He’s got the smarts: Biology at Brown and a freakin’ Rhodes scholar in poli-sci. He even tries to use those smarts to defend highly unscientific opinions like promoting creationism in public schools and subscribing to the power of exorcisms.

But Jindal wants to make himself as bland as the next middle-aged white man in a suit, thinking about deciding to run for President. He is actively trying to jump on Giuliani’s crazytrain to “President Obama Hates America” town, rails against fictional enclaves in Europe where non-Muslims are not allowed entry, and would almost certainly overturn Roe v. Wade as his first act as President. Oh and he refuses to give up on tax cuts and corporate tax-breaks despite a $1.5 billion hole in Louisiana’s state budget. And his fans think he’s white.

Bottom line: Likes exorcisms, Rudy Giuliani, and assimilation. Dislikes belly buttons, facts, hyphens and apostrophes. PAC: Believe Again.

2. Chris Christie. Right off the bat, we have to admit we feel sorry for everyone named Chris Christie, John Johnson, Robby Roberts, etc. Their parents obviously hate them and want them to be given so many wedgies in school that they develop a lifelong fear of underpants. So it’s unsurprising that Christie’s star has fallen as much as it recently has; his polling numbers are down and countless wonks are writing of his loss of backers to Jeb Bush and other GOP presidential hopefuls.

This wasn’t always the case. Christie, a Republican, has served two terms as governor in the fairly blue state of New Jersey. Before he was whipping Republican National Convention attendees into a frenzy, people were begging him to run against Mittens “Mitt” Romney. Even some dems were starting to warm to Christie’s rotund form when the governor wasn’t an asshat about receiving support from President Obama during Hurricane Sandy.

And that’s part of Christie’s problem. He’s not conservative enough for the conservatives and he’s not moderate enough for the moderates. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants to be – a slap in the face or a limp handshake; large and loud and eating donuts on Letterman or a soft-spoken, ex-lap band patient who has received 77 diet books from Dr. Oz and other concerned weirdos.

Bottom line: Likes measles, Philadelphia Eagles fans, and Ebola quarantines. Dislikes bridges, chairs and reporters. PAC: Leadership Matters for America.

3. Hillary Rodham Clinton. As a little girl, Hillary wanted to be an astronaut but NASA said no because her vah jay-jay would make it impossible for her to reach zero gravity. To comfort her, her mom said it wouldn’t matter anyway since her eyesight sucked so bad. Hillary’s first action as President will be to walk on the moon while breaking her childhood glasses.  Of course, before that can happen she has to actually announce she’s running or at least announce an exploratory committee. But Clinton happily stands back and watches the cesspool of GOP hopefuls go for each other’s jugulars. She’s not expected to kick any campaign into gear until this summer.

Clinton would be the first female President of the United States, just as she was the first female partner at the Rose Law Firm and the first First Lady to have a postgraduate degree and her own professional career. She’s not afraid of standing out but when she was First Lady she was afraid of her cat running away so she put the cat on a damn leash when Socks was in the Rose Garden, which is just plain weird.

In Clinton, the dems would have someone with foreign policy, human rights, civil rights, education and health care experience. She has also weathered some serious scandals with nary a wrinkle to her pantsuits, finally speaking of the act of forgiving her husband for his infidelity as “liberating.” Maybe Rand Paul could look for some quotes about liberation or the divinity of forgiveness to add to the fake Pinterest account he started for Clinton, ‘cuz you know, ladies always be pinning.

Bottom line: Likes Joni Mitchell, liquor and Amy Poehler. Dislikes blue dresses, Internet trolls, and words that end in ‘ghazi.’ PAC: Ready for Hillary.


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Hat Tips:

SF GateThe HillThe Times-PicayuneTimePoliticoNational JournalBusiness Insiderfive thirty eightNew York MagazineCBSWashington PostNPRU.S. NewsNew York TimesCNNPBSHuffington PostABC NewsYahoo, Image Credit: Flickr

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