Race to the White House: 3 Down, Eleventy Gazillion to Go

Race to the White House: 3 Down, Eleventy Gazillion to Go

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,3 February 2015

Here at TSD we’re already exhausted and we’ve only examined three likely Presidential candidates: Jeb Bush, Jim Webb and Lindsey Graham. And still, no one has had the Oval Offices to thrown down and say, “I’m in, suckas. Give me your dolla-dolla bills.” There’s been a preemptive dropout in the form of Mittens “Mitt” Romney who decided to shelve the binders full of women he’d gathered to make himself seem less ridic as a candidate. We’ve had a few more coquettish hopefuls nearer to tossing their chapeaus into the ring so let’s get to know three more likely to clog up the campaign airwaves: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

1. Scott Walker. Maybe you heard of this humble and retiring wallflower a few years ago when he kicked Wisconsin teachers’ unions square in the hoo-hahs. Not having a college degree of his own, Walker seems hell-bent on wrenching degrees from the hands of would-be graduates with an even newer blow to state education budgets in the form of $300 million over the next two years — and that’s just for U of Wisconsin.

Never one to shy away from singing his own praises, Walker is riding high on ethanol-propelled winds  from Iowa. He made a huge impression with the crowds clamoring to hear about how “deportables” and climate believers are the anti-Christ. He’s learned that to win over the rightest-of-rightwings, he needed to change his 2012 moderate stance on immigration reform (not ruling out amnesty and even questioning the need for greater border security) to a more “Not in My ‘Murica” stance.

Bottom line: Likes pointing his finger while winking and Scott Walker. Dislikes the minimum wage and being hated by the Dropkick Murphys. PAC: Our American Revival.

2. Martin O’Malley. It’s hard to be unbiased about my home state’s former gubner (yes this is actually how people from Bawlmer say it, hon) but I’ll work hard to keep it 100. This front-man for an Irish band has borderline Rain Man knowledge of all things Irish. His dreamy Catholic-boy-next-door looks are well-suited for American politics but when combined with a cringe-worthy predilection for shtick and epically long local-themed stories, he fails to charm large crowds of non-Marylanders. He also has a talent for using data to drive decision-making and a willingness to take on tough issues with unpopular tax increases, causing the more rabidly conservative among my family to foam at the mouth when his name is mentioned.

Although he was a highly functional civil servant, he often seemed too dispassionate to excite an electorate that consistently leans toward constant outrage. One of his top issues is protecting the environment but unfortunately for him he’s not insanely green enough to win over single issue environmentalists. And of course, he lacks the street cred that comes with a vah-jay-jay which makes him a long-shot when compared to Hillary or even Elizabeth.

He hasn’t formed an exploratory committee yet but O’Malley has hired an Iowa based political consultant in preparation for the eventual Democratic realization that they better get their asses to Iowa before the Republicans make off with all the decent politician-standing-in-a-cornfield photos.

Bottom line: Likes “The Wire” and Lucky Charms. Dislikes climate deniers and decent sound bites. Maybe Hilary would let him be in charge or the EPA? PAC: O’Say Can You See.

3. Mike Huckabee. Oh, Huckabee. We love the name so much. It makes us laugh with great abandon. Huckabee has quit his gig at Fox “News” to get ready for another attempt at the national political stage. But his snobbish disdain of everything intellectual, urban, artistic, educated, inclusive or environmentally sound is so tired; he truly needs to come up with a new bit if he wants to make his mark in the pool of crazies vying for most conservative candidate of all time.

This is a man who responded to a Type 2 Diabetes diagnosis by losing 110 pounds and finishing a marathon in less than 4.75 hours. Why not focus on the health crisis facing an increasingly rotund America? Or what about his love of music and leading a band that has opened for REO Speedwagon, Willie Nelson and the Charlie Daniels Band? He could transition that into a discussion of the importance of the arts. Or start a discussion of his position on education with tales of him being the first male in his family to graduate high school.

But no, this is the time to “pimp” his book and boy-howdy it up talking about the arrogance of liberals and the moral superiority of “the bubbas” Huckabee thinks make up the real America. Now is the time to make racist and sexist slurs against America’s royal couple and double-down on opposition to same-sex marriage, opining that it’s a biblical issue and unless he gets a new version of the bible he’s not gonna change his mind. To this, we cry shenanigans. Or rather, we let our most favorite fictional President, Jed Bartlett, cry shenanigans.

Bottom line: Likes Beyoncé, grits and guns. Hates Jay-Z and the 14 million Americans who live in the bubbles of New York, Los Angeles and Washington D.C. PAC: Huck PAC.


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Hat Tips:

Huffington PostPoliticoMedia MattersThe Daily BeastCNNNational JournalWashington PostMother JonesOpen SecretsThe West WingNPRCNN, Image Credit: Flickr

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