When I Grow Up I Wanna Be a Fetus

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be a Fetus

Adrienne BoettingerThursday,29 January 2015

Do you feel adrift in life; tired of what you’ve been doing but no clue as to what you want to do instead? Do you constantly feel like you just can’t catch a break – like if it weren’t for bad luck, you’d have no luck at all? TSD has got an answer for you: be a fetus!

There’s no time like the present to be a fetus. People are super concerned with your rights and will physically assault and belittle born humans to protect you. Here are a few examples of why everyone who’s anyone is a fetus:

1. Free attorneys! So far, you’ll only get this benefit when you’re a fetus in Alabama but you know this craze is going to spread faster than measles in a super-rich, unvaccinated neighborhood in Cali. In Alabama, once you’re post-utero and poor, you’ll be hard-pressed to get a lawyer to represent you. But when you’re a fetus, you’ve got it made in the shade. And your lawyer will get to grill your mom’s boyfriend, teachers, coaches, frenemies, etc. all to make her look terrible. And if the judge decides your underage mom can terminate the pregnancy, your lawyer will help drag out the proceedings to the point where you’ll be born. Of course once you’re born, Alabama won’t care so much about your rights but let’s focus on the positive here. Fetuses welcome in Alabama! Non-fetuses may want to reconsider.

2. The 24-hour noose cycle thinks you’re way more special than post-utero women. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently released a report saying how more and more doctors were prescribing fairly dangerous opioids to women (you know, to deal with our women’s troubles like menstruation and having feelings). It turns out the media isn’t really as freaked about all the dangers these already-born women are facing so much as they are about how this could impact potential future fetuses. Because like, duh, women’s health is only important as it relates to the successful production of fetuses. Huzzah!

3. It doesn’t suck as much to be a fetus in China as it used to! So the Chinese government is having this teensy weensy little self-created problem of a huge gender imbalance leading to pending demographic crises. All because the government said people weren’t allowed to have more than one kid (unless you’re super wealthy or important). And of course people only want boys because girls are gross. This led to women having fetus sex tests and choosing to abort girls and keep the more important boys. The government has realized these boys are going to grow up and will need some women to marry and take care of the house and cook and stuff, so no more fetal sex tests, Chinese fetus-carriers!

Now before you accuse us of being heartless demons who hate fetuses, let’s be clear. We don’t hate fetuses. We just think it would be pretty cool if the people screaming themselves hoarse to make sure those fetuses are healthy and well-represented behave as if they cared what happens to those fetuses once they’re born. The United States is the only developed country in the world that still executes its citizens and is a country where 1 in 5 children goes to bed hungry. If we care about fetuses after they’re born we have a pretty craptastic way of showing it.


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Hat Tips:

The Daily Show, SlateMarket WatchThe GuardianFeeding America, Image Credit: Flickr

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