Early Bird Special for 3 Presidential Hopefuls

Early Bird Special for 3 Presidential Hopefuls

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,23 January 2015

Nothing is simple in American politics. There are more steps to getting elected than there were to assemble my Ikea daybed and that shit took 3 adults 1 month to successfully build and even then the drawers still wouldn’t work right. You can’t just say, “I’m running for President” and then run. First you have to form “an exploratory committee” to think about running before you think about telling people you’re running.

At this point, only 2 serious Republican candidates and 1 Democrat have dipped their toes in the exploratory waters of the 2016 Presidential Election Campaign: former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, former Virginia Senator Jim Webb, and current South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.

At TSD we emphasize the importance of civil participation in the democratic process — mainly so other people join us in calling their Congresspeople to tell them what serious asshats they’ve been lately. So let’s learn a little about these 3 wannabe White House residents and why you should vote for them or spend every waking hour working to crush any hopes they have of victory.

1. John Ellis “Jeb” Bush. First off, what can you say about someone who chose to leave Texas for the only state weirder than it: Florida? Also, we’re confused as to what we’d call him if he gets elected: President John Bush, “President” Jeb Bush, Bush the Third, The Bushiest of Bushes? He would be the first President to follow in the footsteps of his father and brother so maybe that’s something?

To set him apart a little from the Bushes that have gone before him, “Jeb” lived in Venezuela, is fluent in Spanish, communicated with his future wife via written letters (the things people did before dick-pics and tweets), and didn’t even hold her hand for the first two weeks he knew her. He also reportedly makes a mean guacamole so he’s not completely useless.

On the not so good side, he is a climate change denier of the “I’m not a scientist” variety and was the asshat who signed Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” bill into law. For those with the attention span of a fruit fly, “Stand Your Ground” was used successfully by former neighborhood watch/vigilante George Zimmerman as grounds for shooting to death unarmed teen Trayvon Martin and unsuccessfully by Michael Dunn as grounds for shooting to death unarmed teen Jordan Davis.

“Jeb” also intervened in the case of Terry Schiavo, a woman who’d been in a vegetative state for 15 years following a heart attack. In 2002, Shiavo’s husband obtained a court order to remove his wife’s feeding tube. “Jeb” pushed the state legislature to gather in a special session and pass an unconstitutional bill, giving him authority to have the feeding tube reinserted.

Bottom line: Likes guns, comatose people and guacamole. Dislikes unarmed teens and science. Major accomplishment: finally convinced his mother it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he got to be President just this once. His PAC: Right to Rise.

2. Jim Webb.  The shining, eyebrowless hope of white, male Democrats, Webb was the first out of the gate when it came to exploratory committees. He served in Vietnam, was Secretary of the Navy during the Reagan years, and only served one term as a Senator because he disliked campaigning so much. The Presidential campaign should be a real hoot for him then. He’s also a novelist who has penned somewhat racy texts, screen writer and film producer, father of six children, and three-time husband. When he was serving in Vietnam, his current wife was a small girl about to be evacuated after the fall of Saigon. Totally not creepy at all. He remains big on helping veterans but he used to think women shouldn’t be allowed in combat units and wasn’t really a fan of protecting the environment.

Bottom line: Likes having lots of different jobs, getting married (or possibly getting divorced). Dislikes Wall Street and campaigns. Biggest weakness: He’s not Hillary. PAC: Born Fighting.

3. Lindsey Graham. Last but not least (?), Senator Lindsey Graham has survived into adulthood despite being named Lindsey and having the crap kicked out of him on a daily basis at school. Graham is reportedly wicked smart; he has served in the Senate since 2003, was in the U.S. Air Force, and was a lawyer. He helped raise his younger sister when their parents died a year apart when Lindsey was in college.

He is slightly aware of the demographic issues facing the GOP, namely that they weren’t generating enough “angry white guys to stay in business in the long term.” He’s not a complete idiot when it comes to immigration reform or climate change and has shown enough bipartisanship to routinely provoke the ire of the rightest of right-wingers in his party. On the other hand, he’s opposed to expanding background checks for gun registration, same-sex marriage, same-sex parents being able to adopt children, gave Senator Joni Ernst a welcome present of hog castration equipment, and is a complete lunatic when it comes to Benghazi. He also solicited the opinions of Right to Life marchers in how to define rape to help him and his fellow old white men better inform women what we should do with our female type parts.

Bottom line: Dislikes the Tea Party, mornings and cooking. Likes his bestie John McCain, his sister and stomping the Tea Party. Needs to work on: his TV Guide bio as that is where inquiring minds go when looking for background information on potential future leaders of the free world. PAC: Fund for America’s Future.


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Hat Tips:

Think ProgressSlateHuffington PostChristian Science MonitorNew York TimesGawkerNew York TimesMediaiteSalonThe AtlanticPoliticoOpen Secrets, Image Credit: Flickr

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