Grand Old Party Poopers Round 1

Grand Old Party Poopers Round 1

Adrienne BoettingerThursday,22 January 2015

When it comes to the 2016 Presidential campaign, TSD has entered the acceptance phase of grief. For the longest time we reveled in denial. After just barely surviving the 2012 campaign with only minimal damage to our livers and sanity, we thought we’d get a nice little relaxing breather. We were fools. As soon as the 2012 election was in the history books, the sadistic 24-hour noose cycle started yammering on about 2016. We tried to fight it by enforcing some highly reasonable rules to compel our elected officials to concentrate on their current jobs rather than their presidential aspirations. Should they start hinting about 2016, they’d have to do a shot. If an overpaid pundit waxed rhapsodic on the topic, he or she would do two shots. If politicians/pundits didn’t drink, he/she would have to perform “I’m a Little Teapot.” Problem solved.

Unfortunately this was about as successful as Senator Lindsey Graham’s attempts to not look like a constipated weasel, so we’ve had approximately two years of nonstop pontifications on 2016. And here we are: about 21 months out from the 2016 election and there is no hope. Campaigning has begun. Or has it?

‘Cuz for all the speculation on cable news, no one that anyone has heard of has actually declared. Sure there are a couple of wackos who have thrown their tinfoil hats into the ring but the real players are taking baby steps. If we were to describe the Presidential campaign in terms of potty training, they’d barely have entered the first stage: telling. This is when parents use toddlers’ curiosity about their bodies as teaching moments to discuss bodily functions. For example, say Presidential hopeful and former U.S. Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, started reconsidering his facial hair and eyebrow grooming. This is the stage when his campaign-parents would hint around that no President has had a handlebar mustache since William Howard Taft, who was more known for getting stuck in a bathtub than for classing up the White House.

Over the course of the next several months (or until we run away and live off the grid to avoid the lunacy of American politics), TSD will introduce you to those (mostly) men and women who are insane enough to expose themselves, their emotional health and the well-being of their families to the grueling death march that is a U.S. Presidential campaign. Gird your loins, you sad, sick bastards. It’s about to get real. In our next post we’ll take a gander at the Carmen Sandiego’s of the group — those who’ve formed (or are exploring the possibility of forming) “exploratory committees” to raise bazillions of dollars from special interest asshats to run. Stay tuned for more on Jeb Bush, Jim Webb, and Lindsey Graham.


Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Politico, Image Credit: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

Subscribe to get updates delivered to your inbox