Apocalypse Now More Than Ever!

Apocalypse Now More Than Ever!

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,16 January 2015

Last week my (mostly) sweet, 80-year-old mother, who tends to be more apoplectic than apocalyptic, asked me, “How is it possible that the dear lord hasn’t just wiped out the whole dumbass planet yet?” That’s when I knew everything was totally screwed. We’ve never been an End Times family so when she turned to me to very earnestly ask about the end of the world, it really made me think.

Well, actually it made me drink. But then I started to think…she may have a point. When all around you there are countless examples of how people are the worst, everything starts to stand out as a sign that we should welcome our forthcoming doom.

Sign 1: ‘Murica. Where to start? Should it be the Cardinal who thinks pedophilia ruined the church because women got too much power? Or how 96 percent of Congressional incumbents were reelected in 2014 by the same group of people who disapproved of that Congress by 89 percent? Or maybe imprisoning more of our citizens than any other country on the planet? Or counties in Florida deciding to abandon courthouse weddings so that heterosexual civil servants working at said courthouses aren’t made uncomfortable by having to uphold the law? Or the least science-literate person on the Hill becoming the chair of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee? Or possibly that women won’t achieve political parity in electoral politics for more than 100 years but will continue to be told what to do with our female parts by a bunch of sexist, old white men until the end of time? Take your pick; it’s like choosing a random turd out of a sea of crap.

Sign 2: Everywhere else. It’s a tough call here too. Top contenders include 200 kidnapped Nigerian girls still missing; 2000 Nigerians being slaughtered by violent extremists on a single day in January with nary a comment from most media outlets; the slaying of journalists and cartoonists over drawings in Paris; Putin still running roughshod and shirtless thru Russia and Ukraine; all of Hollywood and most of America cowering in fear of an asshat who can’t feed his own people because he’s too busy trying not to get Cheeto crumbs on his PlayStation; Haiti still not having recovered from the 2010 earthquake and its democracy about to crumble; and Mexican elected officials and law enforcement playing a part in the killing of 43 college students.

Sign 3: That’s entertainment! It’s the last season of Parks and Rec, the only decent show on network television. Amy and Tina won’t be hosting the Golden Globes again. And Donald Trump still has a TV show. So nothing good in that sector either.

Sign 4: The Today Show is raising a puppy. Don’t get me wrong, puppies are awesomesauce (especially puppies being trained to become guide dogs). But if the cast of the Today Show raises a puppy where will it stop? Will the cast of the Real Housewives raise a tiny, adorable monkey? You know they will have that little guy smoking cigarettes, scoring them Valium, and doing all sorts of despicable tasks. Will Fox and Friends be given a helpless, human baby to raise, imbuing that baby with all the outrage, idiocy, and moral superiority they can muster?

So what’s the answer? Should we hunker down in our bunkers with months of canned goods and an arsenal to protect our last granola bar from our starving neighbors? Eh, probably not. Better to share a drink with that neighbor and think of all the ways things could be worse. Just be sure to knock wood so you don’t jinx things into actually becoming worse. Because then I will hunt you down and come at you like a spider monkey.


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Hat Tips:

The NationPolitifactThe Daily ShowTimeOpenSecretsWashington PostNew York TimesCNNBBCHuffington PostABC News, Image Credit: Flickr

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