Alternatives to Congress

Alternatives to Congress

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,9 January 2015

The 114th Congress was sworn in this week, with all the pageantry of a slow-moving, noxious fart. Back in our nation’s capital, the stewards of democracy we’ve chosen (and keep choosing election after election) worked a grueling 2-3 days before sprinting back the fuck out of D.C. to avoid interacting with anyone who didn’t think exactly the same as them. But of course it’s not the amount of time they spent at work but the quality of that work that counts. Knowing the ‘Murican people were expecting them to finally shape up and start doing whatever the hell it is they’re supposed to do, Congress rolled up its sleeves and dug in on a bunch of projects that the entire universe recognizes will never, ever amount to anything.

The Republican-led House will take up a Senate bill to approve the Keystone-XL pipeline that they know the President will veto. The House also decided to keep the select committee on Benghazi going until the end of time, complete with unlimited budgets for its “investigations.” And of course, House Republicans continued their eleventy gazillionth attempt to vivisect the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) knowing that the President will veto attempts to chip away at the freaking legislation named after him. Meanwhile, Congressional Democrats openly wept and tore their garments.

So what’s a country to do? Complain endlessly and then repeatedly elect the same asshats who are owned by the same PACs and lobbyists year after year? What if there was another way? Well, dear readers, TSD has heard your plaintive cries and offers a few alternatives to our non-functioning legislature.

Turn all our Congressional decision-making power over to a Magic 8 ball. The Senate will be allowed to ask the 8 Ball questions such as “Should we give ourselves a raise?” or “How about we stop building weapons our Armed Forces don’t even want?” and the House will be released back into the wild.

Puppies! Yep, that’s right: puppies! Specifically, we’ll have two bowls of puppy chow and a selection of adorable puppies. One bowl will be marked “Yes” and the other marked “No.” All decisions made will be based on which bowl tempts the most puppies.

Pothole repair. Ever notice how there’s tons of potholes like everywhere? It could be because Congress is crap at actually passing a Highway Bill. So until they pass it, let’s send our esteemed Reps and Senators out on the streets to repair potholes.

Just let us know which of these options you think would be the most fun and we’ll start a petition at to make it happen. Or even better, you can call the asshat you unbelievably reelected into an organization that you repeatedly disapprove of and tell them that at the next election, you’ll be writing in “PUPPIES!” on every election ballot unless they get off their asses and stop sucking the life blood from our goddam democracy.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

U.S. News and World ReportBoston GlobeYahoo NewsNPRThe Tonight Show With Jimmy FallonThe Hill, Image Credit: Flickr

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