Capitol Hill Yuletide Tails

Capitol Hill Yuletide Tails

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,19 December 2014

The Snap:

‘Twas the week before Christmas when up on the Hill

The lobbyists were resting, all seemed very still.

But in the dark hallways, on their way to the Floor

The Capitol’s true players had real work in store.

So settle in, dearies, get your cocktails and ice

For the real deal on our lawmakers from the Congressional Mice


The Download:

In a yuletide exclusive, TSD has snagged an interview with a source who has virtually unfettered access to our nation’s lawmakers. To preserve the anonymity of our source, we’ll call him Itchy.

TSD: First off, let me thank you for taking the time to chat with us. We know this is an extremely hectic time of year for you.

Itchy: The past week was pretty exhausting but so productive. It’s truly amazing how much was accomplished.

TSD: Wait, what? Seriously? The spending bill barely passed. We’re talking about the Congress on track to be the least productive in over six decades. The only one close to being as unproductive was the one right before it.

Itchy: Oh, my bad. You meant the human Congress. Yeah, those rat bastards ain’t done jack though they livened the place up before heading out of town. I thought you meant Mouse Congress; we had several lively debates, passed legislation, and engaged our electorate repeatedly.

TSD: You have your own Congress? And it works? But what about gridlock? Do you have a one party only system?

Itchy: Hell no! We have like 15 parties – maybe more. We just remember to put the party in our parties; we may differ in terms of our budget priorities but then we knock back a few blocks of cheese with each other and just chillax. We recognize our shared interests – like the importance of family, getting better lives for our kids, eating rather than starving, and we were all obsessed with Serial.

TSD: 15 parties and you get things done? How?

Itchy: Well, that’s what we were elected to do. If we acted anything like that pack of human asshats, our constituents would fire us post haste.

TSD: Hmm. This is very enlightening. But can you tell us a bit more about the 113th Congress? The stuff nobody knows?

Itchy: Most of the time, the two-leggeds aren’t around so we have the run of the place. They’re at fundraising campaigns or meeting with the K Street crowd. When they’re here, man is that a shitshow! For the longest time we thought they were actors pretending to be the worst politicians ever. But unfortunately for you masochistic shmuckatellies, you keep voting them back into office. I think you have some serious self-hatred issues you should work on.

TSD: You keep referring to the past week being abnormally chaotic; can you give us the inside dirt?

Itchy: You do know that all this information is available already, right? Not at Fox “News” or MSNBC of course, but other places. Shit, a few days ago Fox reported that Congress was gonna mess with the President’s plan to improve relationships with Cuba and less than a day later they were moaning that there was virtually no way Congress could mess up the White House’s plans. But I digress…yeah, things were crazy-ass busy around here with your Senate attempting to actually show up and discuss things and vote. It was so precious to watch them with their Cronut or whatever the hell it was called.

TSD: Oh the cromnibus? Yeah, both houses were burning the midnight oil to avert a crisis there. They really pulled together and did some amazing work.

Itchy: Whatever you’re on, I want some. They showed up and passed that bill at the absolute last minute. But they planned in extra time to work in things that were as useless as that other guy in Wham. Like $479 million for warplanes the Defense Department doesn’t even want, finding ways to pay for it by cutting $93 million from the program to help your human Women, Infants and Children otherwise known as WIC. Plus they got a jumpstart on the next financial meltdown by rolling back parts of Dodd-Frank legislation. But what really frosts our cookies is what they did to DC. They overturned legislation that 70% of actual DC voters were in favor of: the legalization of the chronic.

TSD: I know what you mean; it’s terrible to see how Congress consistently strips away what little power DC voters have.

Itchy: Nah, we don’t care about that. But we figured increased pot smokage, leads to increased snacking, leading to increased crumbs, floaters, etc. for us.

TSD: Valid point. I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today. Thanks for making us realize our lawmakers are even crappier than we feared. Happy holidays! 

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Hat Tips:

Fox “News,” Washington PostThe HillHuffington PostWashington Post, Image Credit: Flickr

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