Facebook the Purveyor of Humanity

Facebook the Purveyor of Humanity

Corey WilsonWednesday,17 December 2014

The Snap:

Good news everyone, Facebook has rid itself of the dehumanizing word “user,” and has decided instead to refer to us as “people.” What a time to be alive. After millennia of being beaten down by The Man, a global corporation has taken the time to step back and realize that we’re not just robots intended to spur their evil Farmville machinations. Finally, a big business has realized that it’s “arrogant to think that the only reason that people exist is to use what you built.” Finally, a step away from internet barbarism.

The Download:

Just fucking kidding. Let’s be clear from the start: Facebook sucks. It sucks badly. And we don’t just hate it because hating cool things is cool now. We hate it because it’s so fucking all-encompassing that we can’t even masturbate without accidentally liking the Brazilian fart porn we were watching, let alone go outside without our phone buzzing about how Craig changed his relationship status to It’s Complicated even though he’s only known the girl for three fucking days, Craig.

But now—now specifically—we hate Facebook for thinking that we’re too fucking stupid to see past the lamest attempt at publicity since Nintendo killed a lady by making her hold in her pee. But hey, maybe they’re actually trying, and maybe they honestly think this is a step in the right direction. Karma is all about intentions, right?

Then we hate them for being so stupid.

It would be like you calling me “sweet baby princess” instead of “asshole” because I told you I’d stop loaning you money if you continued to be a dick. Sure, to other people, you would appear to be a nice guy, but to me you’d still be that asshole who owes me fifteen-hundred dollars, Craig.

What we’re trying to say—if it’s not already clear—is that changing the word from “user” to “people,” doesn’t mean you won’t still treat us like users. It just means you’re stupid enough to think that by calling drug addicts “drug enthusiasts” that you’ll be nicer to them. Which you won’t. You may think that your Empathy Team actually cares about the businesses they’re helping, but at the end of the day all they want to do is punch-out, go home, and masturbate. That is the human condition after all.

And don’t think this is an isolated incident. In 2012, Square CEO Jack Dorsey picked up a dictionary and realized the word “user” also refers to “a person who takes illegal drugs.” Which is quite right, Jack; just like the word “faggot” means a bunch of shit, but is also a derogative for homosexuals. Words do that; they can mean more than one thing. You know what the word “user” also means? It means “a person or thing that uses.” Oh shit. That’s a perfect description of Facebook people. We’re totally persons who use a thing—a thing called Facebook.

But what takes the cake is that this change waltzes in accompanied by Facebook’s new “People Based Marketing” campaign which aims to deliver marketers information like the gender and age of Facebook people (so that they can try and sell you more Cialis, we guess). But in light of this joke of a publicity stunt, its name seems grimier than before.

So, what we’re saying is stop the hoopla. Do you know how you make yourself out to be the good guy? You take some of those billions you make selling out my sidebar and donate them to a charity. Yeah, I know you already have, and that’s awesome. Do more of that and stop the ostentatious word game.


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Hat Tips:

Dictionary.com, Outisde The Beltway, Inc., The Atlantic, Image Credit: Flickr

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