Duck, Duck, Goose

Duck, Duck, Goose

Adrienne BoettingerWednesday,3 December 2014

The Snap:

Less than two weeks until this lame duck Congress is cooked so we’ve got to quickly set the rules of the game. Obviously, every time someone says the word lame duck, you do a shot (or if you’re in recovery, allergic or morally/religiously abstaining, you stuff as many Peeps in your mouth as possible while saying “Lame Duck Sucks”). But that’s all been done before back in the days of the “Fiscal Cliff” and the too-soon yammering about the 2016 election as soon as the 2012 ones were over. So use the phrase “lame duck” and you’ll have to do a shot and then waddle around for 15 seconds whilst quacking. If you are a member of the “lame duck” Congress then you will buy shots for all the sad sacks of constituents you fail to represent. PLUS you will wear a duck costume and be forced to waddle around Dick Cheney’s property on the Eastern Shore.

The Download:

It’s one of those rare fortnights when Congress is actually in session and DC is humming with the nervous anticipation of thousands of lobbyists. Will Congress arise from their two month slumber to do more than throw tantrums on the steps of the Capitol, pose with guns, or talk about castrating pigs? Um, maybe. But only because they’re forced to with actual deadlines like yet another potential government shutdown.

Governing by crisis is all the rage these days. You can’t get politicians to show up for work just because it’s the job they’ve been elected to do. You need to dangle network time in front of them plus the opportunity to blame the other Party for the failings of the behemoth federal bureaucracy. Here is Congress’ to do list for the next two weeks:

1. Come up with budget or continuing resolution. They gotta agree to something to keep the lights on past December 11. And though Chief Oompa Loompa is saying there ain’t no chance of a shutdown, we will venture nothing more than cautious optimism that things won’t grind to a halt while the House decides how to punish President Obama for taking the same type and scale of executive action that his Republican and Democratic predecessors exercised.

2. Tax Extenders package. To extend or not to extend, that is the question. Or rather the question is who gets the extensions.

3. Assorted other items. The President has asked Congress to fund the fight against Islamic State militants, measures to stop the Ebola epidemic from worsening, and dealing with the glut of Central American children who entered the country illegally and unaccompanied. Plus there’s other stuff like the government’s terrorism risk insurance program and extending the ban on state and local taxes on using the Internet.

Plus there needs to be time for Secret Santa, composing odes for the War on Christmas, caroling, baking cookies and staging “It’s Christmas, Charlie Brown.” Representative Louie Gohmert will play the title role, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi will star as Lucy, Senator Ted Cruz as Snoopy, Congressman Joe Barton as Linus, and Congressman Rodney Davis as PigPen.

P.S. If you’re among the near 90 percent of Americans who disapprove of Congress AND also among the 63 percent who didn’t bother to vote last month, then take two doses of shut-the-fuck-up and don’t call us in the morning. We know Santa and you are definitely on the naughty list. Only lumps of environment-friendly fuel for you.


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Hat Tips:

Politico, The HillNew York TimesPolitifactPBS, Image Credit: Flickr

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