Everything is The Worst So Let’s Go Eat Some Turkey

Everything is The Worst So Let’s Go Eat Some Turkey

Adrienne BoettingerThursday,27 November 2014

The Snap:

Each passing day brings another sign that we’re on an express train to end times. If it’s not terrifying sexual assaults at the prestigious University of Virginia, it’s sexy Ebola nurses as Halloween costumes or Mattel daring our girls to be all they can be (as long as it involves wearing pink and liking puppies). Most of the time, TSD willingly passes along the latest low points in jackassery but for one day we’re going to take a break from all that to stuff our faces, wear our stretchy pants and give thanks. To that end, today’s post is designed to help you get in the spirit with fun “did you know” topics for the Thanksgiving table so you can divert attention away from the fact that you’re a complete disappointment to your family. Happy Thanksgiving, turkeys!

The Download:

1. Blame Canada! Think ‘Murica is number one when it comes to a holiday centering around eating as much as you can, napping and then watching grown men assault each other for bazillions of dollars? Think again, suckers. Though we may do it the biggest, we didn’t do it first. Canada started celebrating its Thanksgiving in 1578, a solid 40 years before the pilgrims were yakking over the side of the Mayflower. The official Canadian holiday, declared in 1879, is held on the 3rd Monday of October and celebrated with good food and plenty of (Canadian) football.

2. Made In China. If you can figure out the Chinese calendar, you too can celebrate the mid-Autumn Moon Festival in China. Designed to celebrate the harvest with a ginormous feast, you can have an extra helping of mooncake (do not be fooled – it is not like a moon-pie).

3. Korean Festivus-meets-Thanksgiving. Koreans celebrate family, the harvest and dead people for 3 days in late September and early October. Feasting is capped off with Costanza like feats of strength featuring wrestling and costumes. Serenity Now!

4. Ghanaians Love Yams. Ghana celebrates a period when they survived famine by “hooting at hunger” (owls must go berserk around then) around harvest time from May to August. Turkeys and stuffing are passed over for yams and other dishes.

5. Ben Franklin Ate Bald Eagles. That may be a bit of an exaggeration but if Mr. Franklin had his way, American Thanksgivings probably wouldn’t have featured turkey since he wanted that to be the national bird.

6. Set out to Pasture. Ever wonder what happens to the turkeys the Presidents pardon? They live out their remaining days at Mount Vernon. Sounds idyllic except each poor bird is usually all by itself since the other pardoned birds have long ago gone off to meet their maker — turkeys not being known for long lifespans.

7. Be Thankful It Doesn’t Last 3 Days. Sometimes about an hour into the day of thanks, you may feel like running as far away from your relatives as humanly possible. Well, just imagine it was the first Thanksgiving when they celebrated for 3 freaking days. Modern day thanksgivers would probably stab each other with serving forks within the first 6 hours.

Wherever and however you celebrate, have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Unless you’re one of the poor bastards working the pre-Black Friday sales at Wal-mart, Target and those other bastions of family friendliness; in which case we wish you shifts free of asshats and minimal stampedes.


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Hat Tips:

International Business TimesWHSVCNNTime, The Week, Image Credit: Flickr

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