The Queen of Everything’s Favorite Things

The Queen of Everything’s Favorite Things

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,18 November 2014

The Snap:

We’ve already established how much more glorious of a place the world will be When I Am Queen of Everything. From de-douchefying Congress to shortening campaign season, from kicking the asses of upskirters to mandating office etiquette, from classing up reality TV to making the Waltons live off the salaries they pay their employees — I’ve gotta lotta plans to make this joint suck less. As the holidays grow e’er closer, the soon-to-be Queen of Everything is coming to the rescue with the latest list of her Favorite Things. Screw raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens! These are the presents truly fit for royalty, real or imagined. You’re welcome.

The Download:

1. Painting the Country Red with Ted Cruz Coloring Books. Who says North Korea is the only place with insane propaganda?!? The junior senator from Texas will help your children fight the evil snakes of Obamacare and wait in anticipation for his eventual 2016 ascension to the White House in ‘Ted Saves America’. Cost: Under $8.00 + a little bit of your soul.

2. Getting Your Hair Did At Home with The FlowbeeAren’t you just sick of going to a “professional” to get your hair cut? Do you own a vacuum cleaner? If you answered yes to both questions, then the Flowbee is what you’ve been looking for. Cost: $79.95 + S&H + any hope of ever having sex again.

3. Be The Hit of the Party with the Yodeling Pickle. Looking to make your mark on the social scene? Look no further than the Yodeling Pickle. Happy owners have described it as “a miracle worker” and “good substitute for Justin Bieber.” Cost: $11.00 + replacement fee when it’s inevitably stolen.

4. Freak Out Your Guests With The Pyromaniacs Cookbook. It’s the perfect gift for hungry people transfixed by the destructive beauty of fire. Plus it will scare the crap out of your in-laws when they come over for holiday dinners. Cost: $10.95 + increase in homeowners’ insurance.

5. Larger Than Life Pootie-Poot. Although nothing made out of cardboard can capture the soulless luster of his dead-blue eyeballs, this Putin cutout comes damn close. Cost $50.00 + annexed peninsula of your choice.

6. Drink Quality Liquor Without Leaving Your House and Get a New Hobby. You know how people sometimes suck but whiskey is always awesome? Now you can make your own whiskey (or rum) without having to go to the store and deal with humans! Cost $25-$75 + any friends who will grow annoyed with your nonstop yapping about making your own hooch.

7. PIEce de resistance! If there’s one thing that really frosts this queen’s cookies, it’s when she wants pie and there is no pie to be had (also when all the donuts are gone, faithful manservants don’t instantly appear, and having to go to any and all work meetings). At least one of my (and your) problems are solved with the Pie of the Month Club! Cost $17.95 per month + cost of stretchier clothing.

 

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Washington PostSlate, Image Credit: Flickr



Subscribe to get updates delivered to your inbox