Rutabaga: The Next Pumpkin

Rutabaga: The Next Pumpkin

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,14 November 2014

The Snap:

The crunch of the fall leaves underfoot and that chill in the air can mean only one thing: it’s time for RUTABAGAS! That’s right, saunter on down to your neighborhood highly caffeinated mecca and get a grande rutabaga latte or caramelized rutabaga crunch muffin. Or sashay to your local gastro pub and order up a Rockin’ Rutabaga Martini. We’ve got rutabaga pastries, rutabaga rum, rutabaga yogurt, rutabaga gum (or rutabagum) and rutabaga ravioli. Wherever you go this season you will be practically tripping over festive displays of rutabaga. Hell, you can even brush your teeth with Rutabaga Root Canal Preventing Rinse. But better act fast because when they’re gone, they’re gone.

The Download:

In the spirit of wanting to leave an indelible mark on the cuisine of the land (but mainly because I really, really want to quit my damn job), I’ve decided I’m coming up with the next pumpkin and it’s going to be the rutabaga. It’s perfect! No one really eats it at all so people don’t really know what it’s supposed to taste like or things that could actually be made from it. I can make it whatever I want so long as it’s sugary enough that everyone will start craving it in September and not stop until after Thanksgiving. Rutabaga room fresheners! Rutabaga rug cleaner! Rutabaga syrup for your rutabaga pancakes! Rutabaga as far as the eye can see and until every American is made of about 1/3 rutabaga!

Because seriously, people have lost their damn minds over pumpkin. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve gotten wrapped up in the pumpkin craze. The bar up the street used to make the most marvelous pumpkin martini and I could buy a metric buttload of Trader Joe’s pumpkin butter and eat it year round. I’ve been taken in like the rest of you saps.

The bulk of pumpkiny products have zero actual pumpkin in them – – just a vaguely autumnal flavor, heavily laced with cinnamon, ginger and nutmeg and laden with sugar. I’m not sure what marketing genius decided to rebrand this extremely difficult to cut up and cook vegetable as the answer to every hipsters’ dream but that’s what happened.

Seeing as people have the attention span of a fruit fly AND restaurants and manufacturers have gone a little heavy-handed with the pumpkin-palooza this year, I figure it’s about time we found the next pumpkin. And, as mentioned previously, I would like to not have to work again ever so I am trademarking the rutabaga craze. It’s way better for you than pumpkin which has been proven by 3 out of 4 doctors** to cause Ebola, ingrown toenails, and premature death.  In fact 7 out of 8 doctors** recommend rutabaga to improve your memory, increase your sex drive, make your hair thicker and more lustrous and give you x-ray vision.

**These doctors were in fact imaginary and even still, they flunked out of medical school. But you know, they tried super hard and that’s really what counts, right?

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Hat Tips:

CNNGrub StreetWashington City PaperBusiness Insider, Image Credit: Flickr

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