The Tortoise and The Hair

The Tortoise and The Hair

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,7 November 2014

The Snap:

Here at TSD we’re breathing a huge sigh of relief that the motherfuckin’ midterm elections are done. We’ve dragged our lifeless bodies across the finish line to find that super PACs went out on a bender and painted the whole country red. Even in our own true-blue state of Maryland, the Grand Old Party ruled the day. Seeing as how the victory of so many Republicans winning the hearts and minds of about 1/3 of the country didn’t cause the Earth to crash into the sun, we’re predicting that the good ole’ fashioned ass-kicking rendered by the party of the elephant won’t really change the country too much. So everyone take your valium, go to your happy place and let’s contemplate what comes next.

The Download:

Now that Republicans have taken control of both houses of Congress, many Americans are asking the same question: were those elections were for realsies? ‘Cuz we totally meant to vote except that we were too busy playing Candy Crush or whatever dumbass new game has taken control of our central nervous systems…but sure, whatevs, the Republicans won. Does that mean Congress will actually do something?

Oh, you beautiful, naïve sea monkeys! If by something you mean deal with the numerous significant issues facing the country, then might we say HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA. If by something you mean maybe grudgingly allowing a few ideas to be brought forward to vote, then maybe. Because it’s not just Tucker Carlson’s wet dream: Harry Reid will no longer wield the power to hold back on allowing votes for fear of a Republican filibuster. That’s because a new Sheriff is in town and his name is Mitch Tortuga McConnell…or is it?

Although most pundits are proclaiming it’s a foregone conclusion that Senator McConnell will take the position of majority leader, Senator Crapweasel Cruz is back with even more gloriously bulletproof hair to deflate McConnell’s exuberant celebration as featured here. Showing what at best could be considered lukewarm support for the elder statesman, Teddy Boy has started to make some wonder if he will allow McConnell to reign supreme.

Senator Tortuga wasn’t the only complete upset this past week. As we grudgingly admitted earlier, the state of Maryland elected the well-maintained hair of Larry Hogan as governor. Cory Gardner, whose coiffure can best be described as a salt-and-pepper dream, sent Colorado Senator Mark Udall packing, while follicly challenged Governor Rick Scott will continue his death-eating reign of Florida and Charlie Crist can go back to fanning his balls to his heart’s content.

So let’s approach the likelihood that Congress will stop sucking the life out of our goddam veins with some cautious optimism. Maybe Congress will be able to agree on something other than to keep the totally bitchin’ curly fries on the Capitol Hill cafeteria menu. But it’s far more likely that Republicans and Democrats alike will spend the bulk of their time running for reelection and sucking up to Big Money.  Also, our relief at the end of a painful campaign season will be momentary, as the rat-bastard pundits are already losing their damn minds over the 2016 elections. May God have mercy on our souls.


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Hat Tips:

ProPublicaForbesThe EconomistPew Research CenterThe AtlanticThe Daily BeastPoliticoNew YorkerWall Street JournalThe Daily Show, Image Credit: Flickr

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