‘Tis The Season to be Single

‘Tis The Season to be Single

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,4 November 2014

The Snap:

We’re fast approaching a perilous time of year for singletons. Way worse than even wedding season, the period from Thanksgiving through New Years can be just a huge pit of despair, overeating, overdrinking and emotional scarring. As Ole Blue Eyes sang, “It’s that time of year when the world falls in love…” We would just finish those lyrics with “…having unreasonable expectations about romantic relationships and life in general.” So before you go out there or God forbid, go online, have some egg nog, put your feet up and listen to what the Queen of Everything has to say on holiday dating, summed up in one key phrase: Jingle Hells to the No!

The Download:

You poor, poor bastards. Unless you have a steady supply of anti-depressants and can avoid all TV, ads, holiday movies, malls, stores, and adorable carolers, prepare to be inundated with all the joys of the season. Or rather, inundated with the Hallmark version of the joys of the season which are actually way more joyous than they are in real life.

The holidays are often when we make the worst decisions. Maybe we go to a holiday party where we know it will be mainly happy couples, then end up singing “All By Myself” in a weeping puddle of pitifulness on the floor. Perhaps we decide that we will make gifts for all our friends and family but then don’t start working on it ‘til like the week before Christmas so that by the time the day rolls around, we’re ready to hurl the gifts at those ungrateful crapweasels and vow never to celebrate another holiday ever. Maybe we continue to date the guy who tattooed himself and had 6 majors with no degree just so that we’re not alone during the holidays.

When I Am Queen of Everything, there will be a general acknowledgment that no one’s life is as festive or loving as the crap shown on holiday made-for-TV-movies. Stores and malls will not be allowed to play Christmas music or put up decorations until the week after Thanksgiving. The Ghost of Christmas Future will show singletons the ways holidays can suck when you’re hitched and have kids, like psycho in-laws, whiny children, huge bills, inconsiderate significant others, etc. And the Ghost of Christmas Past will show the paired up all the many ways they should get down on their knees and thank the universe that they’re not still dating, like the terror of going solo to every holiday party, dreading New Year’s Eve, and that creepy guy at work who keeps lingering near the mistletoe.

With that in mind dear ones, do not feel compelled to immediately meet the man/woman of your dreams and have an idyllic holiday season. Holidays are never idyllic and the huge pressures of the season do not do wonders for a romance. Many family functions can be brutal bloodbaths and occasions best not to bring a civilian into the mix until you truly know them and their ability to withstand huge amounts of passive aggressiveness and emotional manipulation.

And in case you still weren’t convinced, check here, here and here for more proof that dating requires a clear head, girding of one’s emotional loins and the ability to make decisions not under the influence of holiday sentimentality.


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Hat Tips:

Denver PostCrackedHuffington PostBuzzfeed, Image Credit: Flickr

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