Feats of Strength

Feats of Strength

Adrienne BoettingerWednesday,29 October 2014

The Snap

A few short weeks ago Florida reasserted itself as the destination that makes democracy fun. Sure, the state is chock-full-o-weirdness and tends to shoot people for walking around or listening to music, but it’s also the state that gave us hanging chads back before Al Gore became a rockstar environmentalist and George Bush became a celebrated painter of bathtub scenes.  Last week, Florida found a way to make live coverage of a gubernatorial debate so hilariously unbelievable that attendees were black and blue from pinching themselves to prove the debate wasn’t just a glorious dream. That debate featured several minutes of the current governor and stunt double for Lord Voldemort refusing to come on stage because John Boehner’s brother in bronzing had a fan at his podium. This act of toddler-like stubbornness has inspired us with the idea of how to fix our electoral process.

The Download

TSD has had a lot of winning ideas for improving the government. From requiring candidates to get face tattoos, to making Congress more like the TV show Chopped, to drinking games galore, to fake town halls, to putting Congress to work filling in potholes — we’ve valiantly tried to find ways to force our legislature to actually legislate. Maybe it’s time to just give up on that dream and settle for getting our money’s worth out of Congress by making them more entertaining.

Step 1: Turning elections into Feats of Strength. First, all candidates must do a keg stand for every negative ad or slur against their opponents. Candidates making it to the next round must complete an obstacle course where they have to leap over hurdles, jump through fiery rings, and belly crawl under barbed wire down the length of K Street while being chased by lobbyists who attempt to cling to candidates’ ankles. Candidates making it to the third round will have a dance-off lasting at least 24 hours and extra points given for creative use of props and enthusiasm. Those survivors will be our Senators and Congresspersons.

Step 2: Make Congress more productive. Although we’ve given up on the dream that Congress will do anything more than campaign, trash talk, and give lameass speeches, there’s no reason why they can’t also do something useful. They can continue all their despicable habits noted previously but while making decoupage, knitting, baking, and holding puppet shows.

Step 3: All legislative disagreements will be solved in inflatable sumo wrestler costumes. They can drone on about whatever evil the other side of the aisle is trying to perpetrate ‘til they drop; they just have to do so while dressed as a sumo wrestler and fighting their opponents. Those politicians who claim to be non-violent may perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine instead.

Of course none of these dreams can be realized without your support. Call/email/send a singing telegram to your elected official with your ideas for improving government. Better yet, actually avail yourself of the tremendous gift of being able to vote for our leaders, get your asses to the polls, and vote for people you want to see in charge.


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Hat Tips:

PoliticoSlateNPRRock The VoteFestivusWeb, Image Credit: Flickr

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